I'm so worn out. I know things are getting better because the worst of my feelings occur less and less often, but over all I have so much anger towards my partner and so much resentment. I often wish I were without him. But then again, when I feel that I also wish we'd never kept our baby. However wrong it may be, I do still blame him for forcing me into mother hood. It's insane, seeing as my alternative was to leave them both – which because at the time I didn't know what I know now, I would never have done. I loved him unconditionally then. Now, I still feel I have a part of me that doesnt trust him and hates him. I have to admit, I still feel tricked. I knew I'd love my baby given time (hell, I've always wanted kids – but with a father I wanted to have a future with). I am angry that i found out so much shit after, because if I'd known at the time I would have left him. Now, what has changed?! Well, I love my baby, and the best thing for her is a united front – ie both parents. And tho its hard, there is a chance we can make this work. He has changed alot since that major major row. But the irony of it is that what I discovered then – that the man I was madly in love with had mentally treated me like shit, and in many other ways (what was a 'joke' then suddenly became a grusome reality) – still affects our relationship now. I feel badly betrayed and doubly tricked. I hate him for that. I cant talk to him about it because it would solve nothing. A significant part of me just wants out. But my baby calls the shots. I feel like a fool and unsure of my own feelings at the same time.
the thing is, he has changed – how that will last I cant begin to think. But inspite of that, the truth that I now know I hate him for and I am seriously not sure I want to forgive. I put that to the back of my mind every day, but it never leaves. And for all my wanting things to work, I am not convinced we are done with this subject. I want out but I am not one person any more. And I'm angry about that too.