When did you get so hard to handle? When did you become such a battle? I’m not sure if I can take much more of the stuff you throw at me, I’m torn between just giving up, and fighting on.
I feel useless, I feel ashamed, I feel pathetic, I feel weak, but I also feel scared because a big part of me is just ready to give up because what have I got to show for my shitty little life? To the outside world I’ve got everything to live for, yet I feel like I’m locked in a cage surrounded by my own thoughts, that I just need to escape, and quickly. I’ve got a good job, a few good friends, a nice house and I rarely go without but it just isn’t enough, I am sick of feeling empty and alone, I’m sick of having to fight through everything, but most of all I’m sick of the legacy my so called mum has left me with.
I have come to a cross roads in my life where I know something has to change, but I don’t know where to begin, it feels like for the whole of my life I have been fighting for what I want, for what I deserve and none of it seems worth while anymore, because I’ve got nothing to show for it, I’ve got no money, hardly any friends, I don’t speak to half of my family and most of my friends have fucked me off when I’ve not been good enough for them, and I guess I’ve let them down because I’m always going on about myself and not really bothered with them in the way I should have.
I have broken my own promise; I vowed that I would get help before I ever felt suicidal, but in truth it is something that has creeped up so quickly and I don’t feel like I had any true inkling that this was how I was going to feel. I never planned to feel this way, I was always going to manage better than my mum did but I’m afraid I think I have failed at that. I cannot remember a time when I was genuinely happy, I am sick of having to pretend to be the strong one, I cannot hack it anymore. I feel like I was born into the wrong life, why have I had it so hard?
I know mum killed herself 13 years ago, but I cannot let go of how she has left me feeling, the insecurities, the self doubt that I seem to face on a day to day basis, the jealousy, the intensity, the need to be the most important, the constant need of love and affection, the constant fear of rejection – they all have left me a destroyed person and I don’t know what to do with these feelings anymore, at one time I would have chosen to swim rather than to sink, but right now sinking feels like the only way out, I can’t even explain why I feel this, that’s how useless I am, I’m crying my eyes out for the third time in less than a month, I don’t do that I rarely cry but I just feel totally and utterly overwhelmed by my life and my intense feelings, that I just don’t know what to do anymore. I never wanted to feel this way, ever, but here I am.
I have hidden behind every single thing you can think of to ignore and escape all this pent up emotion and I just cannot carry on running away from it, I have to deal with it, I have to deal with why I am the way I am and try and move on because if I don’t, my quality of life is going to be crap and I really might as well not be here, and that’s the saddest thing about all of this, I have to change, and I don’t know how to, I have been this person for as long as I can remember, I’ve used sex, alcohol, money and houses to try and make me happy and loved, I’ve buried my head in the sand every time I’ve met someone, spent a period of been totally and utterly hyper and high and then just come down with an almighty crash, and I’m sick of the ups and the downs, I just want to be happy, normal, and not be so needy but I don’t know how to do it, and I don’t know how to cope.
I have become my own worst enemy whilst trying to make myself happy. I am promiscuous, desperate, needy, insecure, paranoid, neurotic, weak and niave all because I want to be loved, I need to be loved, I don’t see the point in going on anymore if I can’t find a place to love myself. I can’t love myself, how can I, when my own mum couldn’t? I wasn’t good enough for her, I wasn’t enough to make her stay, so how can I ever be good enough for anyone else? I’m not even good enough for myself, I don’t love myself, I don’t respect myself and I definitely don’t think any of myself, it’s so hard to handle the fact that I feel like I’m never good enough, for anyone, my dad, Sam, mum, anyone, I’m just not good enough. I’m too demanding, too intense, too high maintenance, too clingy, to negative but basically I’m a loony, and I can’t be bothered anymore. Everytime I see the light at the end of the tunnel, a train comes back and blocks it again, and I can’t see my way to that light anymore, I’ve got nothing left to give, nothing else to offer, to anyone, I can’t love myself.
I never imagined that I would feel the way I do, I was sat on a bench today, wondering what would happen if I just stepped out into the road which is daft because I KNOW how hard it is to go through the pain of someone killing themselves, I don’t want to leave Dad and my brother with that pain. Mum killing herself has taken the life out of me, I cannot imagine ever feeling normal again, I have spent years trying to condition myself so that these issues wouldn’t keep arising, I’ve had counselling, I’ve tried happy pills and most of all I’ve tried accepting that this is my life, this is how I feel but I don’t know which way to turn, I’m beyond it, I’m beyond wondering what I can do next. I don’t want to die, but equally, I don’t know what path to take next. I can’t stand the idea of dying alone, but I know that if I carry on like this; sabotaging relationships, pushing my friends away, that’s what’s gonna happen, and I don’t really know how I can alter that, because if like dad says I’ve always been insecure, what triggered it? Is it just in my make up? Because if so, how can I alter my feelings, my reactions and how can I put my issues to bed?
I slept with my ex again last night after two weeks of not seeing him because I had dumped him. We decided to give it another go, but just play it cool and take it slow, that isn’t my style, I don’t do slow, I don’t do cool, but I do want to be loved. He says he will text me on Sunday and let me know when he will see me, so once again a man is in charge of my destiny, and my happiness, and for what? Just so I can feel loved for a bit. If I was my best friend, I would tell me to fuck him off and spend time loving myself, but I’m not my best friend, I’m the self destructive enemy. I seem to spend so much time punishing myself, hurting myself, in fact I probably hurt myself mentally, more than anyone has ever hurt me. I would like to believe that he will text me on Sunday, but I’m so far down the destructive path, I don’t really care, I’m really not bothered. He got his sex, and I felt loved for a few hours and I guess that’s what I’m worth, not a lot. I don’t even like sex, it’s ok, it fills a need but mainly I do it because I want to please the man, I’m pretty sure I will never orgasm, because sex just doesn’t mean anything, I’ve been with that many men, and all they’ve ever wanted was to empty their load, it’s never been about pleasing me, but I have never cared because I stupidly thought, sex equals love, thing is, I never learn, I do it time and time again.
I don’t even know what leads me to these men, these stupid decisions that I try not to make, but end up doing anyway because I don’t have any self respect, I think I must just enjoy been used, but I don’t, I just want to be loved but slowly realising that the only person that I need to love me, is me. I’m not sure how to do that, or where to begin. The saddest thing is that last night was probably the first time I have ever had sex stone cold sober, I enjoyed it more than I normally would, I didn’t feel as numb, but that speaks volumes about the lack of respect I have for myself.