It's been so long since I've been on here. I don't know I look at the bookmark when I'm troubled and wonder what it will really do for me. But here I am. I leave in one day to embark on a journey to get a job. Its about six hours away from where I live but I've applied all over and nobody wants me I think it's because I didn't graduate or get my GED. Self doubt and anxiety has set in. After all the rejection I have gotten applying to all these jobs. I'm available any time I swear they want to hire someone complicated. It's also my first job I'm looking for. I've gotten sick twice throwing up in the past three weeks. The first time I overdosed on tums. Yes you heard that right. I was having heartburn so I just knocked it back probably took 7-8. Never do it. I thought I was dying. Then yesterday I used a benzoyl peroxide acne junk even though I know my sisters allergic. I am now looking like a lobster and spent all yesterday in a hazey stomach flu throwing up weak state. Those states just make you feel wonderful on top of all the anxiety I was already feeling. I am wondering if I should take it as a sign not to go. I would be moving away by myself for a summer. But I want it so bad. Lifes about the choices you make so someone smart said but what if I make the wrong one. But I want it so bad! Is it the right time? My OCD is the worst its ever been but I'm 19. I feel like I can't rely on my parents anymore. My mom is never here. I know it will only get worse the longer I stay the more hopeless and useless my life appears. I think I'm going to do it though. Fuck OCD, anxiety, depression, self doubt, my pitty party I want to do it.