Do you know in a house where several different lightswitches control one lightbulb?  A single one can turn the light on or off, but there is a good likelihood that if the bulb is on, one of the switches will be off, and vice versa.  Stick with me here, I\'m speaking metaphorically.  Now let\'s imagine that 100 or so switches control the lightbulb, and while they all started in the off position, they are in a chaotic state now.  To be sure, any one lightswitch controls the bulb, but to me, the lightbulb cannot be completely off (or on) unless I can manuever the switches such that they all represent the desired result (off or on).  An odd number of switches makes this feat nearly impossible.

Now let\'s imagine that I am blind to the light, and can only feel the lightswitches.  I know, it\'s an awful waste of energy for a blind person to care about light switches or lighting in general.

In this new situation, my blindness cannot tell me if the light is on or off, all I can do is fumble around with lightswitches.  Now let\'s make every switch an action I take, and the bulb\'s light (or lack thereof) represent my general disposition.  I can flick a lightswitch (take an action), or memorize combinations of lightswitch flicking, but cannot be sure of my continual happiness because of my blindness.  I keep flicking lightswitches, not knowing if I am improving or not.  This is probably not making any sense.

I went to several suicide crisis websites today.  I want to stop being a burden on friends, on family – to keep the friends I have left before they too leave in the wake of the stigma of my mental illness.  I miss the past when things were better.  I\'ve flicked too many lightswitches and I can\'t figure out what I can do to help my situation.

3 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 11 years ago

    If you live, it is your choice.  If you commit suicide, it is also your choice.  If you struggle to get better it is your choice.  If you become a victim of your life is also your choice.  As the saying goes "I never promised you a rosegarden" Even roses in the rose garden have thorns.  Life is capricious, challanging. If you decide to do away with yourself, remember that you have not relieved anyone of anything. People in your life are used to you being there.  If you remove yourself,  you may cause great sorrow, depending on the persons investment in you.  At the very least you will leave a void in their lives, which was the emotional space you occupied.  What happend to the idea of partial hospitalization?  Hopefully you would lean some coping skill and could lay down the blame you feel of being a disappointment to yourself and to others.  Believe it or not life is worth living, but only if you consider it a callange and an adventure.  Good luck my friend.  I sincerely wish you peace, courage a sense of adventure and a chance to live an interesting life.

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  2. rainingoctober 11 years ago

    Maybe it’s not the lightswitches you should be focusing on.. or how many times you have flicked each one, or which direction it is pointing. AncientGeekCrone is right, it’s more about the smells you are smelling in each room, the feelings you feel in each room… not just necessarily those switches and lights. My mind is full of file folders that are all jumbled up, and it’s constantly a mess, and there seems no end to the confusion… but trudge through it, and hopefully you will find, in the end, that it has been worth it.

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  3. rainingoctober 11 years ago

    Also, realize that in your writings on here, you give others of us hope.. and comfort. We know we aren’t alone, and we know we have others who can understand us in our times of distress!

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