Do you know in a house where several different lightswitches control one lightbulb? A single one can turn the light on or off, but there is a good likelihood that if the bulb is on, one of the switches will be off, and vice versa. Stick with me here, I\'m speaking metaphorically. Now let\'s imagine that 100 or so switches control the lightbulb, and while they all started in the off position, they are in a chaotic state now. To be sure, any one lightswitch controls the bulb, but to me, the lightbulb cannot be completely off (or on) unless I can manuever the switches such that they all represent the desired result (off or on). An odd number of switches makes this feat nearly impossible.
Now let\'s imagine that I am blind to the light, and can only feel the lightswitches. I know, it\'s an awful waste of energy for a blind person to care about light switches or lighting in general.
In this new situation, my blindness cannot tell me if the light is on or off, all I can do is fumble around with lightswitches. Now let\'s make every switch an action I take, and the bulb\'s light (or lack thereof) represent my general disposition. I can flick a lightswitch (take an action), or memorize combinations of lightswitch flicking, but cannot be sure of my continual happiness because of my blindness. I keep flicking lightswitches, not knowing if I am improving or not. This is probably not making any sense.
I went to several suicide crisis websites today. I want to stop being a burden on friends, on family – to keep the friends I have left before they too leave in the wake of the stigma of my mental illness. I miss the past when things were better. I\'ve flicked too many lightswitches and I can\'t figure out what I can do to help my situation.