So I guess I just realised something. My parents know nothing about me as a person anymore. I don't think I have introduced them to any friends of mine since I was maybe…16. This (and I can say this because I was a child when I started…) was a defense mechanism. I felt overprotected – I don't think I was given the independence that I was mature enough to have received, and therefore could not go to my parents, the adults I was supposed to be able to trust, with something serious. (And there was something very serious which is literally not going on here because I believe I would be breaking the terms and conditions of this website. Just to give readers who are interested an idea).
So, at 01:04 my dear father decided to have a go at me for something that I have been doing for years. Just sitting and listening to music in the kitchen, which fine. It woke him up. Ok. He was pissed off. But then he decided that it would be ok to criticise me as a person. He decided that it would be ok to say that I didn't care about something which he knows full well (or at least as a member of my immediate family he should know – its something I know about him…) has affected my life and my transition to university and will probably affect the rest of my time there. And right at the very end he goes, ' if you want to do something positive, clean the kitchen floor.' (This man has never lived anywhere where there has been actual risk of violence in his life).
I have just a few things to say to that:
1…or a) I did clean the kitchen floor. And I did so in such a way that despite the instructions he thought he was giving me, the front door was not opened in the middle of the night. This, despite the overwhelming anxiety trigger of his presence, because I thought it might not exactly be clever to open the front door at night. This means that I did not let my fear get the better of me.
2…or b) This is the first time he has ever given me something positive to do. That means that all the criticisms that he made of me in the past are one sided, (please notice I am saying one sided here. I disagree with some of them, I agree with others) the point of this being that I have had all kinds of criticism yelled at me by that man in the past. But this is the first time that he has actually tried to do something of use. I hope that somewhere in there he has noticed that the time he gave me something positive to do, I just sat down and did it. I even thanked him for actually bothering to give me something positive to do.
3…or c) My mum just tried to facebook me. I don't feel like I am needing that at the moment. She is just upstairs, if she is that worried can she not come down and ask if there is something the matter? She called me rude, but I have basically just staved off a panic with the power of my mind. And the thing is she knows how much he gets to me. It is about the one thing she knows about me, I think. Despite my actually trying.
Thing is, I know I push people away. I do it regularly and without meaning to. (Also a defense mechanism). But I wonder whether it is a logical reaction to a lot of my adult role models basically being critical. Maybe ….this is a long shot here….maybe I am having a perfectly logical reaction to an icky situation? And with the experience of living away from home I have realised….stuff *watch this space for an explanation*
In other news, this holiday I have realised that I actually escaped a controlling relationship in the summer/autumn. This wasn't his fault (it isn't really his fault he has lady problems, he's lovely but he does have problems with women. Even he says so.) The fault isn't the point here. The point is that I was able to recognise that something wasn't right in spite of an immense amount of pressure that I have been dealing with without all the usual support networks, since I have been in a strange place. I have met people I haven't seen in years. And not had a mental illness fuelled fight with them. I have met people that helped me in this year.
I have lots and lots of friends. Who know and understand me 🙂 So I guess I'm glad about that 😀