It's been a while since I last posted a blog. Anyone that read my last one about my missing item of sentimental value, you'll be pleased to know this has since been found. Anyway… on with my reason for writing.

June will always be a difficult month for me; tomorrow will be the 2 year anniversary of my entire world falling apart. And, incidently, my ex's 30th birthday. Yes.. that's right, he broke up with me on his own birthday 2 year ago. For anyone that doesn't know, we were together almost ten years, practically longer than many marriages, so getting over him has easily been the hardest thing I have ever had to do.I still wonder some days how I managed to stay alive, let alone vaguely sane! But here I am, off meds for what must be about 6 weeks now (to whichI owe an awful lot, they helped tremendously), 2 weeks into my new job and loving it; and a mountain of new friends with which I hope to experience many good times in the near future.

Yesterday was one of my close friend's 27th birthday. I was invited to a bar for a few drinks to celebrate. When I got there, friend's thatI haven't seen for months were there, which was amazing.. we all used to be so so close but I guess we all got a little older, moved on with our seperate lives. Well, in all honesty, as soon as me and my ex broke up, the whole friendship circle fell apart – we were both literally the two that held it all together, so without us being the foundation, things rapidly fell apart. It was wonderful to see them again. But on my way there, I knew in my gut that my ex would be there. No-one had said he would be, but sometimes it's the lack of saying that makes you realise what's coming. And yes, he was there. We haven't spoken since March, when he suddenly appeared on my birthday and broke down in tears. Needless to say, I found it a little difficult at first. I gave everyone a hug – including him, it would have been rude not to. I then spent most of my evening talking to another friend. We moved on to another bar, and this time he came and sat directly opposite me. Everyone else was inside buying drinks, so we actually spokemto each other. It was strange at first, I guess neither of us really know how to be around each other anymore. But after a while, once everyone else had joined, we all had alot of laughs, and I forgot how much I miss this group of friends. They are people that make me laugh like I've never laughed before, we smile and remember the great times and crazy things we used to do.. and we all remember those things, because all of us were there. I most certainly do not ever regret my life, even if that part did end up alot of heartache and pain.

It came time for me to leave. As I stood to say goodbye to everyone, he grabbed me and hugged me, so tight. Then he said 'Listen to The Cure – Cut Here, it will explain everything'.

I still haven't listened to it. I guess I can't bring myself to. Maybe I never will.

Last night, for a brief time, my life was as it used to be. I could smile and laugh and the amount of love we all have for each other is beyond comprehension for most people.

I miss that life.

But I am ready to embrace a new one.

For once, I can smile and remmeber the good times.

p.s. sorry for the essay… … and if you got this far, thank you for reading x

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