firstly i want to say that i’m so very sorry for yet another negative blog post…i’m such a miserable moo! and i think this could be a rambling one too 🙁 today i feel so so alone. i dont know what to do with myself. i have been trying so hard all day to be positive and telling everyone i’m ok and trying to get going on things but i’ve been failing miserably. things got to a point this afternoon where i firmly decided that i really had had enough again and was going to sign off from life for good but something is still holding me here… just. i’ve tried reaching out to the people around me, and they try as much as they can but they have their own lives to lead and their own stresses and i dont want to pull them down anymore than they already are. added to the mix is also the fact that i feel sooo guilty for how i feel. my staff nurse say this is because i’ve been bought up having my feelings invalidated and my low self-esteem makes me think my feelings don’t matter or something. which i guess has some substance to it. but whatever the reason, the effect is that i feel trapped inside my own head and with noone to talk to. and if i do push the comfort zone and talk i feel thouroughly consumed by shame. even when i go to my sessions with staff nurse, for which my logical head tells me he is paid to listen, i leave feeling ashamed and yucky.

also, my dad has been on the phone (long story which adds fuel to the fire of this one which i dont feel like going into now) and has had some kind of verbal altercation with my mum as i could hear her responses. she started to tell me a little bit but then clammed up and told me to just leave it. most people like to know what has been said about them though don’t they? am i being unreasonable wanting to know why they argued over me? i guess she is trying to protect me considering my major mood crash but unfortunately it is still adding to my belief that everyone would be better off if i wasnt around. i hate being a burden – and i feel that so strongly all the time. me = this big fat emotional f*d up burden of a person. all i’ve ever been is a pain in the backside with my mental health. from around age 9 i’ve just cycled over and over again. are alot of 9 year olds prescribed prozac? i dont know? i really hoped this time i could endthe cycles and get better for good – or at least mostly for good but i’m losing the oomph again. my motivation is down the tubes no matter how hard i try. i can manage little things, or escapism things but when it comes down to the nitty gritty i’m like a rabbit in the headlights, frozen by fear but buggering it all up for myself again in the process. i know that if i carry on milling around like a spare part and don’t throw myself back into the ring i’m going to fuel the depression but i can’t seem to make the jump. i hate being with myself because i hate who i am. ihate being here at mums because i can’t be myself. it makes no sense. i feel like a big muddled up contradiction. what am i ever going make of myself? i know my parents are disappointed in me – an A* student with nothingto show for herself in terms of career or prospects. any little dreams i do have of becoming something seem so fa beyond my reach and i’m scared i can’t hang in there for the long haul. i dot want to let anyone down but i feel like i m. i guess i’m letting myself down the most… i’m going to come back to this as my head hurts.. x

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