I have had OCD since I hit puberty in my teens. It started off with me not liking sticky and greasy things. I hated to walk past the garbage can for fear that the greasy or sticky things would jump out at me. The kitchen was my worst nightmare. If I didn't feel clean enough when I went to bed, I would sleep on the floor. I would shower for hours and wash my hands to the point they would break open and bleed. I think it was one of the things that ruined my friendship with my best friend in HS. We had been friends since middle school. It also kept me from forming other friendships, because I felt like a freak and that no one else would understand.
I have been on medication, but for the past couple of years I had been doing well and haven't needed medication. (I got off of it because I was afraid that when I wanted to have kids, it would cause them to have birth defects) Now, it seems that my OCD is back and with more vengence then ever.
I recently got married this year and have been working as a caregiver. It seems the stress of my job is making my OCD worse. One thing that doesn't help is the gentlman I work with, his mother is partially a germaphob…which has brought my OCD to a new high. Now I hate going to the bathroom. I feel so dirty when I leave. I never know when I actually have to go the bathroom anymore. There would be times I would go to the bathroom and I wouldn't go very much or at all…The shower used to be my safe place. Now I dread it because I'm in there for hours….and I wash my hands so much that they are back to bleeding. I cry after cleaning the bathroom because I feel so dirty…
I thought I could beat this on my own…but it seems I can't. I just can't bring myself to see another therapist…
I have so many dumb thoughts that pop into my head…that I feel like a terrible person. I used to think of myself (even at my worst in my teen years) as a kind, cheerful person…and now I feel like an awful person… I can't bring myself to even talk about this…
I just feel so worn out!
Amen sister. After the holidays busying me, I haven't as many OCD moments but as soon as they die down I feel the same way. I wish I could live in a purell bottle at times. I don't know if I can be of any help but just know you're not alone.
Thank you for your comment. No we are not alone, but sometimes it feels that way. Hoping for you a better new year than this past year!
I can relate to a lot of what you've said – I don't suffer from the germophobic tendencies or washing compulsions, but I do know what it's like to have the OCD exacerbated by stress and other circumstances, and to see the happy person you used to be as miles and miles away. I don't know you personally, but chances are you're not an awful person (as I've been told so many times, truly awful people don't typically worry about whether they're awful), and there's no shame in asking for help in coping with this thing. In fact, I tend to think that it takes more courage to ask for help. I've been to a bunch of therapists, and I know that finding the right one is especially tricky – you don't want to go baring your soul to just anybody. Aside from that, garden-variety therapy isn't really built for OCD, the way I see it. This site has a list of therapists that you can choose from. I'd recommend that you bring your husband, too, if you both feel comfortable with it – it'll probably help him to aid you in your fight with OCD and to express what he feels about it, too. If you're not quite ready for that, you could try the OCD Workbook – I bought it a week or so ago and have started reading through it, and just the little I've read so far really comforts me in knowing exactly what it is I'm facing and that plenty of other people face it, too. As far as the meds go, I'd give your doctor a call and see what he/she thinks about your taking them if you're planning to have children. I don't have any myself, so I'm not one to give parenting advice, but I think the first thing on the agenda should be to take care of you so that you can be that much better of a parent to your children when they do come along.![\"\"](\"/images/smile/emo/001_smile.gif\")