In the time since I've been on here in any meaningful way, the cactus that flowers every twenty years has gone through 1/4 of its lifecycle. At least, that's how it feels. Haven't had much to offer lately, much as I've wished otherwise. Haven't had the energy for many things Internet, even though cyberville has been, for these past ten years at least, the refuge of choice when my vitality's been on the ebb. Maybe that's the problem. These ten years haven't exactly been what I'd hoped. Not even close. I am so tired of disappointing myself and my nears and dears and don't have the heart for much more. Part of me–I figure about 45%–wants out of this mortail coil. The rest wants to live, live without guilt, without apology, and with as few regrets as possible. So that's my project for 2011: to do things very differently. That is, to think more about the world, do more for it; to trust the process of life more; and to think a hell of a lot less about myself. Though I won't go into denial about my depression (how could I?), I do intend to give it less oxygen. I've spent way too much time these past four years thinking of myself as "a depressed person," and now this thought-phrase has become a chitinous shell that I have to shed or die in. I'm really running out of time, so extreme means are required. One of these is to spend less time online, which will affect my presence here, not this it's been much of a presence. Alas, it hasn't, and I'm very aware of not having supported certain DT'ers as well as I have been supported. I am so sorry for that and hope to make up for it in future.

If for any reason any one cruising by this page sees something that chimes with his/her own experience and wants my insight or advice or whatever (yeah, I'm chuckling, too), send me a p.m. There's a good chance I will see it and respond at some point.

For now, best of luck and health and fortune to everyone here in 2011. To crib from Tennyson, Come, my friends, 'Tis not too late to seek a newer world…



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