So WHAT NOW?

I’m having a very eventful life right now. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by all that needs to be done. I’m unsure of what choices I should make…what paths I should follow.

Who do I go to in search of guidance, comfort… strength? Where can I go? Do I let people, friends and family that I love in. should I tell them my darkness secrets? How scared I feel. How alone I get. How confused I am about life. How I search for answers in the shadows… looked for clues in the past…. Dream up lie to get me through the day… a false hope for a future I’m not sure about. Should I tell them how nervous I get to even walk down the street sometimes because I feel like everyone’s attacking me, judging, watching me… how I missed soo many days of class, work because of it. Should I tell of the many nights I lay awake unable to sleep. Maybe I am depressed, suffering from bouts of sadness or some kind of chemical imbalance. Or maybe I’m just Normal. Just a human being with feelings and painful pasts and unclear futures… searching for answers just like everyone else.

I am glad to finally see that I’m capable of exiting the box. My hollow sanctuary I’ve been living in all this time. I wish I could express my sadness and my feelings to my family but that just isn’t the way we work. We all hide our true feelings. We hurt each other and blame each other for our own failings in life. We may not say this aloud but we all know that my mothers death, almost 10 years ago what the single and final event that completely shattered the backbone of our family. We are crippled. We are all zombies. Barely surviving, feeding off each other, rotting in our own personal Hells. Living in the past, pretending….we feel no pain. That what ever we are doing means something to us. Everything is superficial. Hiding from the truth. We see no real future.

The STRAW

My mother died December 15, 2001. She was attending a graduation party for the class of adults from Global Business Institution. She was a guidance counselor. They went to a restaurant to celebrate and it was there she fell sick and had a severe asthma attack. She was allergic to shell fish and the smell in the restaurant over came her. She died later at a hospital. The morning of, my sister and I had a fight with her. I don’t remember why. But I do remember going down stairs and giving her a hug… really to tease my sister, but also because I hated being mad at people. My sister never went down. That was the last time I saw my mother before the wake. I always asked my self If I was better if she died suddenly or if she had been sick and slowly passed away. I could never bring my self to really answer that question. I’ve been asking for one more hug, one more kiss, one more touch, one more…if I was to get it, it wouldn’t be enough. There is no good time to die. Nothing makes death easier. I was so hurt, so shocked by her death that I worked really hard to block it from my mind. I worked so hard to block away any feelings I had for a very long time. I lost sweet memories because of it. I lost my self at times too. In order to move forward into the future I must make amends with my past. I must share my feelings with my family and encourage them to do the same. So we can all finally heal. I must heal.

The MOVE

I moved out of my father’s house about a year ago. Things had gotten bad. A lot of times he would take his frustration out on us and vice versa. I left so I can find it in my heart to forgive him and love him. I was growing to resent and scorn him. I know how much he cares about us and I didn’t want to forget that. So we needed distance. He’s renovating the house and believes we are going back eventually. That is not the case. He has told us “nothing has changed”. So we simply can’t go back to the unchanged. It breaks my heart but I know I can’t go back just for him, like I can’t hide my feelings any more just to keep peace. My sister and I live with my grandparents in Brooklyn. They have a 2 family home. We live on the top floor. I have some plans for the apt up stairs, hoping that we are able to stay there for a little while. If my grandparents leave then my sister and I will find an apt. If things get really bad I believe we will find ourselves with our cousin in Canada. God willing, we will stay with our grandparents until we graduate school. I plan on going to grad school and my sister wants to go get her undergrad. This will be a little over a year from now. What happens then, I’m not sure. Maybe will stay in NY. Maybe go to a nearby state. Maybe Canada. Maybe we will separate. Maybe something else. But I’m starting to have hope again. Starting to plan and prepare. Starting to feel…

In other news, lol.

I got an industrial piercing. It hurts like heck! It looks awesome though. I will post pics Friday. I also got a tattoo on my upper back that reads “I hate the ending myself but it started with an alright scene”. The quote is from My Chemical Romance’s Disenchanted track from, The Black Parade. I am a fan, but not a huuugee insaanee stalker fan. I JUST admired the quote. I have pics of that too I’ll post Friday. I’m hoping to dye my hair purple in a couple of weeks; I may just do streaks because I’m a little nervous about going completely purple. I’m probably gonna get another tattoo before school starts.. don’t know of what yet. I still want that Hindi tat but I have to find a really good place to get it done right.

Other news…

I’m sexy, sleepy, gaseous, and needs some more ice coffee.

More to come.. This shall be the return of the Blog Queen.. MUAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAA

There’s plenty more to say buts that’s what tomorrow is for