I have thus came to the realization that blogging is somewhat of a diary for all of us. I do enjoy the idea of this diary, as it has been helping me spew all of my feelings out as I wind down my day.
The past couple days have gone by in a blur. Each day seems like a neverending struggle, and yet when I look back, it all seems to have gone by really quickly. I do think that this is considerably altering my perception of time.
I have also been experiencing an out-of-it feeling lately. Like, I never fully feel anywhere. I never full feel grounded on earth. I'm always… well… out of it. That scares me sometimes, and sometimes it causes me to have a panic attack.
I am happy that I have narrowed my panic/anxiety to be most prominent starting 3 pm and ending whenever I fall asleep. I must admit, that is nothing to be proud of, but at least I can last until then with relatively no anxiety. It is always worse at night, like right now.
I still struggle with this fear of death. I keep trying to tell myself that, because of Jesus Christ, I am immortal. I will never have to die, and that the word death is just a term for your body resting, but your soul entering a new domain to live with God forever and ever. Who knows, I may end up having a better, more beautiful body in Heaven. However, these positive thoughts only linger for a few seconds before I have to quickly catch my breath and brace myself to the shakes or nausea that is bound to come.
Sometimes I really wish I could just get rid of this out-of-it feelingand begin enjoying life again.
I seem to make it through each day, but not happily. I barely even remember most of what went on during my day or week. This is not how I wish to live my life.