Working on this fanfiction story and its turning out just as I wanted. It's a very emotional story, everything I write is emotional. People comment and they say thats so sad. I think thats good right? Well it is, just because I see them as emotional breakthroughs, others are going to see the emotions these characters are feeling. If I can make people feel something when I write, then thats worth something to me.

Since my last blog, my thoughts have returned. I want some control back. I keep going driving by myself, not even that far and I get more and more anxious. I've lived such a sheltered life and I have to put myself out there. It's not worth it to me and thats the problem. I'm still waiting to hear about the job, my mom keeps reminding me how I will have lots to pay back with my school loans.

The more I do or accomplish if you want to think of it that way, the more sick to my stomach I get. I just want to hide away, I don't want to drive or go to a job everyday and have to face people. I don't want disappoint anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to let myself down. But all these pressures are taking their toll on me and I think to myself "how can humans live like this?" My mom says everything I'm experience is just part of life and you have to deal with disappoints, difficulties and other things. The thing is, I never could. Every set back made me feel such self-pity and I wanted to end it all right there. I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. Just waiting til I talk to my therapist or I find about the job that I would have to drive to everyday.