I thought things were going well for awhile, but I don't feel that way. I broke down today. I haven't cried in…what feels like forever but I'm sure only a couple of weeks. I think it had been building up over the past couple of days, and I just couldn't hold it in anymore.
I called my mom today, I hadn't talked to her in two weeks. She sounded off, and I thought she was sick. But, no. She was at my grandparents house and I guess my grandmother isn't doing very well at all. She kept trying to change the subject, asking questions about if I wanted to cut my hair some more. I didn't know what to say, like I really gave two shits about my hair at that moment. My mother never tells me specifics it's always "She's not doing well."
After I got off the phone, I brushed it off, but it was there. I went back outside to smoke and I just started rocking back and forth. The tears started and wouldn't stop. I felt so horrible and sad. The only thought that raced through my mind as I was trying to suppress my sobs, was how at this very moment the last thing I wanted to be was alone. As soon as the tears subsided I went inside and desperately wanted to go curl up in my dad's room and cry. I wanted to tell him I was scared and I didn't want to be alone. As I was walking towards the stairs I could hear my stepmother and younger sister laughing insanely. I was eager at first thinking they were just watching TV by themselves, but I heard dad's laughter as well. It didn't matter by that point, I felt dead. Just indifferent. I didn't care anymore. I wasn't sad, I wasn't happy, I wasn't content, I was nothing.
For the past.. I don't even know, two hours I've been focusing on organizing my iTunes library. Thank goodness I have over 1500 songs and I get careless at times. It was a welcome relief, just to focus on something. No worries, no thought process just blank and mundane. I don't feel any better at the moment, I still feel somewhat indifferent. I'm feeling exhausted as well, even though I've been sleeping more again. I was supposed to start readjusting my schedule so that I would be awake during the day, and oddly enough I have been for the past couple of days but it seems to just bring me down more. I just feel the urge that I need to do something. I feel out of place and a huge lack of privacy. I hate feeling restless.