I thought things were going well for awhile, but I don't feel that way.  I broke down today.  I haven't cried in…what feels like forever but I'm sure only a couple of weeks.  I think it had been building up over the past couple of days, and I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

I called my mom today, I hadn't talked to her in two weeks.  She sounded off, and I thought she was sick.  But, no.  She was at my grandparents house and I guess my grandmother isn't doing very well at all.  She kept trying to change the subject, asking questions about if I wanted to cut my hair some more.  I didn't know what to say, like I really gave two shits about my hair at that moment.  My mother never tells me specifics it's always "She's not doing well."

After I got off the phone, I brushed it off, but it was there.  I went back outside to smoke and I just started rocking back and forth.  The tears started and wouldn't stop.  I felt so horrible and sad.  The only thought that raced through my mind as I was trying to suppress my sobs, was how at this very moment the last thing I wanted to be was alone.  As soon as the tears subsided I went inside and desperately wanted to go curl up in my dad's room and cry.  I wanted to tell him I was scared and I didn't want to be alone.  As I was walking towards the stairs I could hear my stepmother and younger sister laughing insanely.  I was eager at first thinking they were just watching TV by themselves, but I heard dad's laughter as well.  It didn't matter by that point, I felt dead.  Just indifferent.  I didn't care anymore.  I wasn't sad, I wasn't happy, I wasn't content, I was nothing. 

For the past.. I don't even know, two hours I've been focusing on organizing my iTunes library.  Thank goodness I have over 1500 songs and I get careless at times.  It was a welcome relief, just to focus on something.  No worries, no thought process just blank and mundane.  I don't feel any better at the moment, I still feel somewhat indifferent.  I'm feeling exhausted as well, even though I've been sleeping more again.  I was supposed to start readjusting my schedule so that I would be awake during the day, and oddly enough I have been for the past couple of days but it seems to just bring me down more.  I just feel the urge that I need to do something.  I feel out of place and a huge lack of privacy.  I hate feeling restless.

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