OK, now I am just plain pissed at myself! First off, I am not understanding why this is coming back to me so strongly and secondly, why I haven't become "cured" yet!!!
So what happened was I was visiting Jeremy at work, just haning out. I had just finnished tanning and working out- thought I'd surprise him at his other job to help the time go by and to spend time with him. Well, we're haning out and I am just fine and in the moment, nothing crazy or anything. Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, my good friend "ED" pops up in my head and creates this plan of me buying a big thing of cookies and cream ice cream and saying to hell with all of my progress. (Sorry if anyone thinks that's gross, but oh well.) Anyhow, I was going to leave here and check on the dog, stop over my parents house and, well, read above. I was determend. I had my mind made up and I was thinking about how releiving(?), freeing and good it would feel to just slip once. That's all. "How harmful can one time be?" And that ,right there, is the exact question I ask myself each and every time before it becomes out of control and I am in one program or another. SO, I am getting ready to leave, keys in hand, half way excited about my friend "ED". Then, I say "Ya know what? Fuck it" and I put the keys down. I went outside, lit up a cigarette, asked myself what the hell I am thinking and tried not to beat myself up over anything. Sure, I could have kept it all a secret and said "I just don't feel like driving anywhere right now" or "I'd rather spend more time with you"- neither of which were lies… I could have pretended like nothing was going on in my mind at all. But instead, I talked to Jeremy about it and, well, what can I say? He's better than anyone I have known. He's not an ass like some have been, he didn't get mad and say "What the hell- why are you still thinking this way" or anything negitive like that. He just listened and was there for me- I could ask for nothing more. Suffice it to say the urge has lessened by a lot and I am sure I would be OK by myself right now. I am just slightly more than frustrated that I am still having to battle this, and just in the recent past has it become increasingly harder, trying my strength, and making myself wonder if tomorrow will be a day of good fighting or just plain giving up? To be 100% honest, I am beginning to make myself nervous but I am sure I will be OK. I would like to thank you for reading and apologize for being so whinny and needy.