I know that I have disappeared for several months & I didn't feel like going back here. But I've noticed that this is my last resort & I have nothing else to turn to. Sorry for the foul languages if there are any.
For these past several months, I have been living my life. I was happy. I found a boyfriend, and we've been dating for five months now. My parents have been doing good to me, until those days came.
I knew what I did was wrong and I do regret it. I want to make up for it and I want to say sorry to my parents, but what they're doing to me up until now, I really don't have the courage to say it at all. For the past years, my depression has came from my parents emotionally abusing me. I kept up with it well throughout these past 15 years, but I'm at the edge of giving up. I don't want to live anymore. I have been cutting my wrist until my arm was drenched in blood. Until that day when I screwed up, for three weeks my parents emotionally damaged me to point where I will take a knife to my throat. During those three weeks; one day my dad walked into my room and destroyed everything that he could possibely break, I knew that he was upset. But this big violence he showed right infront of me, left me traumatized, which resulted me to cut my wrist; another day was my mom bitching at me for hours, telling me that I was a mistake, that I'm not her daughter anymore, that she's going to stop being a mother to me, that she won't care for me anymore, that I'm worthless, that I'm just a trash that should have been left at a foster care since the day I was born. My mom continued this emotional abuse for three weeks and it's still going. She doesn't want me to call her mom anymore. She hasn't fed me since that day. She's been threatening me, but she doesn't have the courage to do such things that she's saying. Knowing my dad for 15 years, all he ever did was watch my mom abuse me. Knowing my parents for 15 years, they never once kicked me out because they didn't want to go through the consequences, and never have they abused me physically anymore because they know that I have self-defense and that I will call child service. Knowing my parents for 15 years, I knew that my parents didn't love. Knowing for a fact that my mom didn't want me, and knowing the fact that they physically abused me before, I know well now.
If these three weeks turns into months of emotional torture, I really am going to walk out of this house because I honestly had enough. But I don't know if I'll last until then, because I really am at the final destination. Cutting only took my pains, and taking my life is in consideration now. I know that right now, I don't have the courage or the guts to take my own life, but if the more this keeps going on, I really am going to.
To this day, my parents have complete authority over my life. I can't wear what I want to wear, I can't hang out with my friends anymore, I can't go out in general, I'm always locked up inside my room, etc. I have starved for quite sometime because my parents never once actually, personally gave me food. If it was food, it was leftovers from what my parents ate.