(I apologize if this seems too personal or graphic I just need to vent)I'm not going to lie…I fell back into using porn today, and I don't know what it was but when I looked at straight porn my it may have been my anxiety, while I was "turned on" to a point I was constantly doubting or feeling like it wasn't attractive to me, my mind kept going to other things related to HOCD, so I went to Gay porn and it turned me on, not necessarily the men but just the act of the sex and the fact it is taboo. That is beside the point, I came to a revelation (of sorts). I tried to remember how the HOCD thoughts left last time or at least with the thoughts that came in, and I remembered it was that I decided to accept them and say "If I'm attracted to men, so be it" and I felt everything go back to normal of sorts, it was easier to say then because I still felt strong attraction to women on all fronts, sexually, emotionally, romantically. Now it's different I still know I want those things and feel them to a degree with women but not as much, but the sexual attraction as far as guys go is still there. I'm a student CYW and have recently been studying deeper into human sexuality (I think this was a partial trigger), however I have a better understanding of the fluidity of human sexuality, and how it really is a spectrum. I have had many thoughts as of recently, "Am I just ending my denial?" "What if I am completely gay?" "What if I can't be with women?". It made me delve deeper, looking at past relationships, I'm very respectful of women, I'm hesistant and shy, I'm reserved because I feel like I have to be with women, I don't want to be rejected, that's always been my attitude, and I always worried I was gay because I was not like other guys, persuing women with the purpose of sexual intercourse. I have a lot of anxiety with women, in all aspects, there was even a time when I was a lot younger when I thought to myself "why can't I just be gay? I would be easier than all this pain I feel?" ….again that is just an extreme. However at this point I've decided not to label myself, while I feel a sexual attraction to men and to women or at least have some confusion, I'm trying to just tell myself "Fuck it, let it be, thinking about it causes too much distress. I'm me, let come what may". I'm constantly looking for answers, I think I need to accept the uncertainty.

1 Comment
  1. telknit23 7 years ago

    This seems like a rational and useful approach to take.  Acceptance of uncertainty is the goal for us all, isn't it? 

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