I have a few things wrong with me (none of them minor, but okay) and one of those things happens to be anorexia. Now for people who don’t know what that is, the definition is: An eating disorder causing people to obsess about weight and what they eat.
People with anorexia obsess with weight loss and excersice like they’re addicted to it, and if they think they eat too much (which I usually don’t, but I feel like I do and beat myself up for it) we (most of us) put our finger up our throat and go from there. 
I could be kneeling next to the toilet for a while, all the time thinking, “Why am I doing this to myself?” It’s easy. I want to lose weight. I want to be that skinny person and in the last two months, I’ve lost 16 pounds. I feel better (much better) about how I look, but it nags the hell out of me how I came to lose the 16 pounds.
I wish I didn’t have to make myself vomit to like my body. I’m 120 pounds now and I’m going for 105, depending on how it will look. I should be my goal weight by October so I’m trying to keep myself from vomiting and just tell myself that it’s okay and I’m not that fat. I usually consume 247 calories a day, and if I really force myself so I can keep my metabolism up, I can eat 430. I should be having 876 if I want to lose 16 pounds, but it’s hard. 🙁 But I haven’t made myself empty my stomach for four days, and I have a chart  for it so I can stop myself from doing it. Being a female teenager is hard, really hard, and body image is pretty big in this world right now. But for me, I’m genuinly doing it for myself. I want to look good. And yeah, some things in my life make me hate food at the moment, such as a life occurence that sucks the life out of me. OCD, depression, anxiety…they can all do that to you. So hey, everyone, meet my besties, OCD, Depression, Anxiety, and Anorexia. They really kill my party vibes. :/ But you know, they all tie together in someway. OCD leads to Anxiety, Anxiety leads to Depression, and Depression leads to Anorexia. I’m trying hard to get better and depression is not very hard because I force a smile on my face and strive to find the good in life, and it usually happens and then the smile isn’t forced. With anorexia and the whole weight loss struggle, I’m really hoping that I can loose the weight without starving myself and throwing up. It’s not okay and it’s not good for my body even if it will make my figure look good, it can mess up a whole lot of other things. If any of you have ever struggled with anorexia or are currently struggling with it right now, are you doing anything to prevent it or are you too scared if you stop starving yourself, you’ll be fat? If any of you have advice for me on how to stop, please let me know. And if you’re going through the same thing as I am, whatever age you are, I understand. I really do and I’m sorry. I think we all are. 

5 Comments
  1. bridgie101 4 years ago

    From friends and what videos I’ve seen, and having had anxiety and bouts of OCD myself, I feel that maybe the anorexia is more the outorking of the OCD? you’ve managed to get a very strong fixation on something that usually a person can’t keep hold of for long.

    it’s like holding something underwater. People get tired. And when they get tired, they stop holding it under water. And then they wonder why they were holding it under water at all, and then they bugger off and do something else.

    But you’re remaining there, holding something underwater. And that ability to do that is OCD. I think. Not a trained professional, just speaking from my own experiences.

    I think you might need a psychiatrist and medication? I wouldn’t give 400 calories a day to my cat. I think when my daughter was 2 she needed 400 calories a day. you need a minimum of 1200 calories a day, and that’s a very low minimum. That’s an extreme minimum. So to carry on with a third of that is to have your body eat its heart muscle and cause you severe problems down the track.

    105lb is quite light. it’s quite light. I was about 120lb and i was fine with that. No boy is going to love you more at 105 than he does at 120. Do you understand that? So you’re not doing this to look good. You already look good.

    You are doing it for some other reason, and I think that reason might be that you’ve been caught in an OCD loop. And you’ve fixated.

    I come out of these fixations exhausted, and wondering why i was so all fired up about it. I don’t want you to come out of it having destroyed your kidneys or your heart, wondering why you did that to yourself.

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      stealthyninja 4 years ago

      i’ve been forcing myself to eat more and I had 700 cals yesterday so that’s pretty big for me. I’m going to try really hard, and that’s the best I can do right now. Like you said, I don’t want any problems with any body part in me lol and I want to be healthy so I’m going to try to eat my best. Thank you for the comment, by the way. It made me smile that someone cares enough to write back. (: <3

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      • bridgie101 4 years ago

        I never thought I’d see the day when I’d say ‘good girl!’ for eating 700 calories to someone – but good girl!

        That’s really brave of you. And now you have to be even braver, because you have to go tell someone you’ve got an eating disorder. I do think it’s in the cluster of OCD and anxiety. When I get high anxiety I can’t eat. I might be starving, but I can’t eat and I won’t eat. One attack I had I lost a stone in a week. That’s something like 6kg.

        Your mind plays tricks on you when you have an anxiety attack. you can be fixated on something for ages and be unable to focus properly on anything else. My last one was the neighbour’s dog. It can be anything. it’s usually a real issue, but it becomes huge in inside your mind.

        Well I should say inside my mind. I can only speak from my experience. I ended up going back on medication, I’m lucky because I know one that works for me that doesn’t make me put on 10kg just from taking it.

        So I’ve gone from pro medication, to anti medication, to pro medication again. I guess some of us just need it to feel relaxed and okay. And one of those people is me.

        I recommend a counsellor and a doctor to find out what’s happening to you and make it stop.

        Sorry you didn’t get any other replies. This website is weird: nobody talks. I guess that’s the anxiety for you. 😀 😀 😀

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  2. delane 4 years ago

    ***Hugs***
    Stealthy, my heart goes out to you. i’ve struggled with my weight, most of my life, including bouts of similar behavior as you’re experiencing. i believe, in my heart, that when we focus on counting and calculating and our ‘routines’ that aren’t healthy for us, we tend to go too far, even without realizing it, sometimes. i’m glad you’re doing good, for now. Someone to talk to–a counselor, perhaps–might also do you a world of good. Sometimes, medicines work, too. All i can say to you, at this point: please, be careful and don’t overdo it. YOU matter and are important.

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  3. iopsydoc101 5 months ago

    Oh dear, I can understand as I relate to it. I have been trying to lose a few pounds too. But PCOs are a struggle for me. I tried Metformin to keep weight low, but I realized that it leads to hair loss and some acne issues. Are you also taking some minerals and vitamins along? But with 200-300 calorie intake, there could be mal-absorption of vitamins. But your body would need it? I also wonder that when we miss onto “food,” it can lead to skin sags, lethargy, and brain fog. Not to compromise on it. The healthy look is beautiful. You must not deprive yourself of essential foods; otherwise, it may pace up fast aging too. Did you mention OCD also? It is not a big issue just if some healthy diet can be taken? How about making a diet chart?

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