I was just getting overwhelmed by emotions so I decided now would be a good time to blog. I think our environment whlie growing up has part in how we are shaped emotionally. I grew up in the suburbs. I went to a school with overly privileged kids. They had parents who were, CEO’s, doctors, and lawyers. Their first cars were BMW’s and Mercedes and seemed live the lives similar to those on The Hills. There were many expectations drilled in our young minds growing up in these schools. One, you MUST go to college, but not just any college a college that has some sort of comradery. Two, in order to be successful not in school but in LIFE you have to get X score on your SAT’s and have a X GPA. Three, the college you to go will be the college you stay at and earn your degree in 4 years. Four, most likely after you get your degree you will be on your way to graduate school, law school, or medical school. Five, you will lead the perfect American life. You will meet your mate in college or maybe even high school. You will get married around 22-25 and have babies…so forth..and so on…
This concept was drilled into my head, anything shy of it seemed to scream FAILURE, LOSER, NOBODY, and WORTHLESS. After high school I went on to a state university to begin my adventure into the world of how I thought things were supposed to go. Well, things didn't go as well as I would of liked. I ended up leaving that school not because of bad grades but because I had no idea why I went there in the first place, followed by being lonely and confused. When I moved back home all I did was beat myself up. I was afraid to leave the house because I was embarrassed that I'd run into someone I knew and I'd have to own up to that I already screwed up the ideal path I was supposed to venture on. Finally I transferred to a school in Florida, where I really do enjoy my education and experience. Still, I am behind my peers, and that embarrasses me. When people ask me when I'm going to graduate I feel like I need to give them a full on explanation on why I'm graduating late as if I owe them something.
Now on to the point I'm writing this. There are people in this world through my perception seem to go through life effortlessly. They follow that "ideal" path and everything just seems to fit into place in their perfect world. I'm not stupid, I know they have their own struggles, but from my experience in relating to these people their struggles are limited in comparison to mine. I'm not going to sit here and rant on these people. I'm adult enough to speak the truth and say I'm jealous. Ok, maybe I'll rant a little bit. I think what makes me so angry about this, is that a lot of these people don't have any idea the type of challenges other people have to go through in life, so they tend to go off spewing out the amazing things in their life and how they can were able to conquer their MOLEHILL size of inner demons.
I have a very hard time tolerating and associating with people like this. Maybe I view life having a bit more substance than having a boyfriend and going to college. I feel like I was presented that life is only about superficial things, and those superficial things have plagued my life. They have made me insecure and anxious. I have a challenging time being cheerful and happy for people who seemed to have had things handed to them on a silver platter. Mind you, I know that not everyones life is like that, but this is just my perception. I think a lot of these people need a big slice of humble pie. I find beauty and value in people who have really put up a struggle to get what they want out of life. I know I have, and it is a constant process for me.
There is one thing I need to realize in this, is instead of being angry at these people. I need to realize they don't know any better, because they haven't experienced anything different. They have no idea how challenging life can be and how hard a lot of people have to work to get to where they are. I have to view these people as innocent rather than immature, attention seeking, and naive. Haha, that is very hard to do. I'm a modest person. I don't see the need and being showy about myself or my life. I'm not seeking for people to validate me, and it is CLEARLY obvious the people who do that. Now, I'm just rambling…
I know this post makes me sound bitter and horrible. I'm not trying to be this way, that is why I'm letting it out in a blog. I'm hoping through writing out my emotions I can begin to see the opportunity to challenge these thoughts and improve on them, rather than act out on them or feel bad about myself for feeling them. I can't continue to hold myself back because I feel guilty for not following that path that I felt obligated to follow. I also can't continue to be ashamed because my life is different than others. The only person really judging me is myself, but that is another battle in itself. I put way too much value on others and so little on my own. That all being said I'm going to leave this be and leave off with some positivity.
I acknowledge myself for being open and honest about my feelings.
I'm grateful for having friends who do not judge me based on my feelings but on my character.