Today has been a rough day.  I've tried to stay positive today, like I try to do every day that I wake up again, but I didn't manage it so well this time around. I guess there's always tomorrow.

I've decided one of the worst parts of this ridiculously horrible illness is the severe lethargy that goes along with it for me.  I don't have the energy to do much of anything.  All I ever want to do is sleep.  But then I sleep so much that I can't sleep any more and I'm stuck being away having wars in my head with thoughts and memories I want to go away.  And so the vicious cycle goes on.

I read a few other blogs tonight, and several mentioned how they feel like they're 'nothing' or 'worthless'.  Sadly, I can wholly identify with that.  I look in the mirror and am disgusted with the person staring back at me, but feel helpless to change the reflection or the response to it. 

I could stand there and repeat over and over again that "I love myself", hoping to make myself feel good, but it would be a lie and both the mirror and I would know it. 

So what do you do?  How do you look at your reflection and deal with what gazes back at you?  I have yet to find a way to handle that.  And the girl in the mirror, the other me, her eyes beseech me to something, anything other than just look back at her in pity.  But I don't have any answers for her, and she none for me.

I feel like maybe no one cares what happens with me or to me, that I'm a burden that they'd be relieved to have lifted from their shoulders.  They wouldn't be relieved out loud, but privately, where inside they could be thankful for not having to deal with me and the problems that go along with me any longer.  I would probably feel the same way if the tables were turned.

So what do I do?  Do I keep living this charade and keep wearing this facade and trudge through more days that feel exactly the same with my fake smile that doesn't touch my eyes? 

Sleep is calling me again.  I'm willingly going to answer it tonight~ it's been a tough day, as I said.  Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and it'll be like I had clicked my ruby red slippers together and said "there's no place like home…", safely back into my state of normalcy, whatever that may have been. I've forgotten what it was like.

Goodnight all.  Peace be to each of you.  Namaste'.

 

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