I don’t know what the point of this is. An hour ago I felt all hyped up for writing, but now it seems my thoughts are just full of caffeine. Lets start with last night. I spoke to dad about feeling the itch to start school again – not counseling psychology – and for sure not clinical – but recreation managment. Starting summer session rather than in the fall.. I had googled the U of M website to find myself redirected to the fire of the Duff Roblin(psychology) building with the "structural integrity still intact." I also googled the class I had "dropped" (Security) to find my professor had left my name on the class list. This made me cry. I told dad about how my professor left my name on the class list and how everyone wants to feel they belong.
That evening as well my curiosity or courage got the best of me and, after a two week boycott of Scott’s blog I logged on. I read the titles of the posts, "Financial Freedom" and "The Effort Threshold" and scanned some of the writing underneath some of the headings. Then I read (Shampoo Planet – good book by the way), thought a little, and went to bed. I awoke early this morning, my head spinning. Contrary to my reeling thoughts last night of Scott’s judgement going down the drain – I know it’s crazy what emotions do to us – I incorporated the thought about whatever you own ends up owning you into my life experience thus far.
I thought about being young about being structured into gymnastics for a good deal of my childhood. I thought about dad – him structuring himself so much with work, his work owning him; then about mom, hardly any structure and how both of them had gotten killed. Then I thought about myself. How I desire peace and I have a curiousity about the world. I thought about me being so afraid of not having this security that I starved myself. And then I thought about more recently. About my constant flittings from one domain to the next, of how all these opportunities given to me felt burdensome, not my choice but someone else’s. How my stubborn quest for freedom had left me rootless. Seriously depressed, apathetic. And then how this rootlesness, this apathy scared the hell out of me that I found myself floundering for anything I can hold onto. But also of desiring independence, of actually being so scared my needs would not be met, not of just being afraid of feeling needy. And then about how I chained myself against my needs just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the "reality" of my needs not being met.
Anyways, I just got a call from the daycare, Rina wants me to come into day, or for some of the day anyway. And I just finished fully reading Scott’s post on financial independence, the heading about your income meeting your spending sticking to my mind, as well as my desire to purchase a spring jacket. Hmm.. I think I’ll work.