I kept a record today of the things that worried me the most and they seem crazy reading about now. But in the moment, they were life and death it seemed. But here is how the day developed. I didn't get any messages from my gf throughout the night but she was up till 2 A.M. So in the moment, I woke up thinking, great. She didn't think about me at all last night. And that was like a dagger to the heart. I was so hurt. Why? I haven't the slightest clue. Then realized I was late to work and got sick to my stomach with a wave of emotions. Ran through my head that I was going to get fired today. I was going to get a write up. I was 10 minutes late and my boss is very understanding. But my mind just went from one bad scenario to the next. Then started to get the really lightheaded, numb feet nervousness about finding a counselor. I called and found one that sounded good to me, and then started to freak out about the appointment. Then after lunch, I got a clammy, sweaty, light-headed feeling that my "gf" was going to finally just call everything off. Right as I was taking steps to get help. Lets make it clear, I am not doing this for her. I am doing it for me. She is just a bonus. Then I bounced back and was freaking out about seeing a counselor. Then bounced back to my lady worrying if she was going to see me today or not.

Very rough day for me today. And the biggest support that I've got in my life seems to be at a last straw with my issues. Shes very preoccupied with her full time schooling and her own life issues. And I just seem to keep tugging at the very thin tight rope I am standing on. And I am currently awaiting a message from her like a little kid. I don't get the things that I do. It's not normal or right. But talking to the counselor only reinforced how much I love the girl. Because when her and I had a good day, She could just melt away all the depression and anxiety that I was feeling. She was the perfect drug. But all I can do is sit back and wait. If she comes back then I will be the happiest person alive, andif not,I am really going to struggle getting through all this without her. But It'll happen sooner or later.
Thanks for all who read this crazyness. Ya'll have a good one.