Ok, so I wake up today, OCD hits the ground running, before I open my eyes..as usual. So after a few compulsions for about an hour, then open my eyes. After a few more compulsions, I get out of bed. Doesn't feel right, so I do a few more compulsions before I touch the door. A little of that short term relief that bites us all in the ass a few minutes later. I grab a towel, clothes. More bad thoughts, more compulsions before getting in the shower. Im in the shower, facing one direction, doing mental compulsions for an hour at least. Cold water has no effect on thoughts or compulsions. Compulsions in groups of 6, all the way to 1572 or so. 15+72 = 87. A good number. Turn off the water, more bad thoughts…doesn't feel right. More mental compulsions in between the water dripping from the shower had…gotta do it before the drop hits the tub button or "life is hopeless". Finally get over that, hop out of the shower ..dry, dress.
Grab a coke, and sit down turn on computer..more discomfort. I try to think of positive thoughts, in groups of 6, without a negative thought entering my mind to interrupt them. Oh 6 isn't good enough because that 7th thought has to be unrelated to the first 6, but positive. Wait 7 isnt a good number, lets go to 12, wait 24, 36? no 63, how about 81, or 84, 120, 150, 189?…..I drink the coke in sips and swallows of 6, untill its gone, then continue on taking sips and swallows of air in groups of 6 for a few hundred more swallows as a thought or 6 follows the swallow. The more compulsions I do, the deeper I go into mental hell, the OCD gets stronger and throws in more obstacles as I play the game. Insanity picks up steam as I continue to realize it's irrelevant, yet seemingly life' breath and time's death. What a waste of time.
The realization of the day finally enters my mind as i feel like I created that open door out the mental hell, that I realize deep down I was never in, it was only a manufactured environement of that attention starved OCD. It's always, "not gonna fall for the OCD thing for the rest of the day now", only to find myself back in the imaginary trenches battling my own mind, wasting hours of the day.
So Im sitting here writing this first blog, shaking off intrusive thoughts, hoping we all end our day better than we started.