My grandmother passed away in March. We knew she would not make it through that week but when she did, so many many emotions were flowing through me. Sorrow, anger, hurt, and relief. As I enetered into her room and saw her laying there not breathing, I could not belief that she looked so peaceful. She looked better that day than she had in weeks.
I had spent weeks with her, tending to her needs, washing her,doing her hair, brushing her teeth, dressing her, watching her suffer. Matter of fact a few days prior to her death I had come to grips that she was not going to be able to last over the weekend. I washed her hair, shaved her, and even did her nails. All the while, she was unable to speak because of the siezures she had had for three days straight. I looked her in the eyes and told her I loved her and that she would be okay. I no longer wanted her to suffer. I wanted her to pass away. But when it happened…oh, the pain.
After the funeral I had dreams about her for days. Nightmares!
I had been off of my meds since January and I had been preparing myself mentally for her death because I did not want to have to go back on them. I wanted to learn how to manage my emotions, how to recognize my triggers, and how to process what I was feeling.
I went to my doctor two weeks ago and she suggested that I go back on my meds at least for the next six months as I deal with the loss. She also suggested that I read up on Depression and Anxiety so that I can better know what I am dealing with.
I have also decided to journal this year's progress to see how I deal with my emotions on a day to day basis. I found this web site earlier today and decided to just have an account for when I decide to FINALLY write something, (with no intent on really doing anything with it). But as I washing my daughter's hair today I got chills because I realized that I will no longer be able to wash my grandmother's hair. That one feeling set me off into a space I did not want to be in. So I had to write about her. I have to acknowledge her effects on my emotions. I miss her.
I am hoping to get better so that I can be a better wife, a better mother, and a better person all around.
So begins my journey……………..