It's here again. The feeling I was afraid of. Emptiness.

I saw some post on facebook from my best friend, writing a long entry about her other best friend. In case you don't know, I am really jealous person.

In that moment, I wanted to write her 'I guess you don't need me anymore." or "Really? Am I your best friend while you never wrote anything about me? I am sure your friends don't even know about me.'.

From that moment, I wanted to cry. It was like, being angry, yet still being sad. I tried to cry but I couldn't. I feel so empty inside. I want to punch myself for being jealous and weak. I feel this familiar emptiness. Even stupid little things makes me cry and weak. And everytime I cry I think these things: 'If I weren't, everything would be better.' and I have to scream at myself: 'Stop it, that's not true!'. Like I wanted to make myself believe like it isn't.

I don't know for how long I will have this mood. I can't tell. And that's what I am afraid of. I felt this familiar emptiness since I was 8. This year it faded away but now, I feel it again. I feel like I am walking zombie. I need to feel pain to feel alive.

I actually want to write all my friends not to be friend with me because it would be better for everyone. But I am not going to do it.

I want to cry, I need to cry but I can't. I don't know why. I guess I am too weak to do that. Don't worry, I am not thinking about suicide. But I do think about self-harm. And I am afraid that I will be addicted to cutting again. I was for a 4 years. And I was feeling like I am feeling now.

Yes, I do have antidepressants. No, I can't take them. I don't know where they are because my mom took them and she is in work right now. I honestly have no one to talk to. I feel like I don't. I am afraid that my friends are going to judge me. For being weak. I feel this darkness in my head again. I have no life.

I feel like I deserve everything I went through. Bullying, self-harm, depression, anxiety, everything. I deserve this.

I am not usually saying that everything would be better if I was dead. I am saying that it would be better if I had never been born.

Thank you so much for listening/reading. I just needed to get it out of my head.