I am frustrated that my symptoms don’t abate when my husband is home. I know that sounds odd, but it used to be the case that when my husband is here, I didn’t suffer from my symptoms, at least not to the same degree. But nowadays, in the last month or so, I have my symptoms full-blown whether he is here or not. It looks as though the entire world is caving in on me, literally. Everything I see looks pixelated, and in dark shadow. I can’t stand how everything looks, literally everything looks like it’s disappearing around me. I don’t know what to do. There really isn’t anything I CAN do. I just have to suffer with this until he gets home, which will be eight hours and forty minutes from now. How in the world will I get through eight hours and forty minutes of this? The jazz station website is stuck on the same song from yesterday, I wish it would get updated. It’s not the song that’s playing, but the song listed on the site. Anyway, I can’t stand how terrible I feel anymore, I really can’t! Everything looks like it’s disappearing!

I just signed up for Thrive Market, which is an online organic market that you purchase a subscription to, and I got my first shipment. I don’t honestly feel like it’s worth the price, they don’t have that big of a selection and the prices aren’t that good. I can get everything I need from Trader Joe’s at half the price. I ordered ghee, a shampoo bar (they have those at Trader Joe’s too), avocado oil, ranch dressing, (both free gifts for signing up), a bottle of Bragg’s Liquid Aminos (the bottle was twice as big as I realized, so I have to store it down under the sink), superfruit spread, cashew cacao butter, beet crackers and butter masala simmer sauce. I’m most excited about the ghee, it’s really healthy and makes food taste so much better when you cook with it. I am tempted to buy more from Thrive Market, but I want to be sure that it’s stuff I would have bought at Trader Joe’s anyway, nothing extra. That way, when we go to Trader Joe’s, I spend less. I currently have $52.00 worth of groceries in my cart. I usually spend $80 at Trader Joe’s each week, more or less. So that means I only have $30 to spend at Trader Joe’s this weekend if I don’t want to overspend. I usually get half and half, yogurt, milk, tempeh, baked tofu, yellow squash, broccoli and cauliflower, salad mix, bagels and cream cheese, tortillas (won’t need them this week, we got some from our neighbor who moved out, eggs (also got these from our neighbor this week), pita bread, and mixed nuts. That’s already more than $30. But we may not need mixed nuts this week, we still have a bunch leftover from last weekend. The nuts are expensive. They’re cheaper at Trader Joe’s, but that’s because they’re not organic. The nuts at Thrive Market are all organic, I believe.

I hennaed my hair on Sunday, it looks really lovely. My husband said it was sexy. I did it burgundy (dark auburn). The red is most noticeable on the top of my head, and it gets darker on down from there. I still have red blotches on my hands and neck from the first time I did henna earlier this month, I think it was an allergic reaction. My doctor said it looks like post-inflammation hyperpigmentation. I don’t remember there being inflammation, but if there was, it was likely an allergic reaction. I don’t feel ok! I feel like I’m disappearing fast! How in the world am I going to get through the next eight hours and twenty minutes? I feel like I’m bloody disappearing here! I was ok just a few minutes ago, as I was writing this blog, but now all of a sudden I’m not feeling ok! This is how my illness works, it takes me by surprise, just when I am feeling ok, suddenly it hits me that I’m not ok! And I’m bloody disappearing! I’m not kidding! I really am disappearing! My husband told me that it’s just a feeling, that I’m not disappearing at all, but it doesn’t feel like just a feeling! It feels real, like I really am disappearing! This is insane, he just barely got to work and I’m already feeling this bad!

The caffeine in my tea probably isn’t helping, but I am addicted to it, I think. I just want to be ok again! I just want to feel safe again! The bad voice is yelling at me, “You are not safe!” I want to feel safe again! I will go do my white load of laundry now while I can, I’ll be back in a minute. Ok, that’s done. But the world outside doesn’t look normal to my eyes! The sun is far too bright, and it’s leaving everything in dark shadows! My husband and my landlady have both told me it’s just me who sees the world in this way, but that doesn’t change how frightening it is! It’s only a mild comfort knowing it’s just me. I feel like I’m disappearing right now! I can’t take this anymore, everything looks so terrible to my eyes. I am full of despair, because things only get worse and they don’t get better. I can’t find God anywhere, and the lady I emailed about getting a spiritual director has not responded. I am so disapppointed that Sister Patty doesn’t want to be my spiritual director. The good news is that my therapist wants to bring my pastor into the therapy sessions. I don’t know if Fr. Jan will be available, but I hope he will.

I don’t know what to do right now! It doesn’t feel like there’s anything I CAN do. I just have to sit here and suffer for the next eight hours until my husband gets home. But it feels like I’m disappearing fast! How on earth can I hang on for another eight hours? I don’t feel like I can! The bad voice says, “You can’t.” How I wish I could believe my husband that it’s just a feeling. It doesn’t feel like just a feeling! It feels real! I can’t do this! I need him to come back! I can’t do this! I’m really disappearing here! It’s really happening to me! I can’t just sit still and relax, because I’m literally disappearing! I don’t feel safe, I don’t feel whole, everything is pixelated and in dark shadows, it’s like the dark shadows are going to swallow me! I wrote about that yesterday, too, as I spent the whole day in bed and the bed looked like it was a dark hole that I was falling into. I’m trying to stay out of bed today, but it feels like the darkness is going to swallow me anyway, no matter where I am or what I do! I need help and I don’t know where to turn for help! The medication doesn’t help me, at least the risperidone doesn’t, and it’s too early to take the Seroquel. I’m steeping a cup of oolong tea. Oolong is good for wisdom, meditation and deep concentration. If you hadn’t noticed, I’m back into Wicca again. I have given up on looking for Jesus, he’s simply not there. And now without a spiritual director to guide me, I’ve just given up. I’m still going to listen to whatever Fr. Jan has to say about it, I’m open minded about it, but I’m tired and stressed from searching on my own.

Wow, this is a really long blog post. Sorry about that. If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading. I didn’t really have a theme for this post, I just wanted to write. I feel better when I’m writing, it helps to have something to focus on rather than just freaking out that I am disappearing. I still feel like I’m disappearing fast, though! I don’t know how to conclude this post, other than to say thank you for reading.


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