I figured something out today. Or, rather, last night. I have terrible, awful separation anxiety. I couldn’t sleep till around 3am last night, because of the feeling I got from the anxiety.
It’s a truly awful feeling. Your heart races, you feel slightly sick, you cry non-stop, and you just generally feel miserable where you are. And you just keep thinking on and on about that one place or person that you feel like you need to be with at that moment. It completely takes over you and makes you feel like complete shit.
Last night, I just couldn’t get comfortable, I kept crying and wanting to just leave. Spending just one night in his arms made me realize how much I yearn for affection. I knew I was dying to be held, and wanted to spend a night in someone’s arms, but as soon as I did, I realized how much that actually happening meant to me. And it hurt, knowing that it couldn’t happen again for a long time.
I guess I still have a little bit of it going on, but thank god it’s not as bad as last night. I wonder if there’s something a doctor can do to help with that… Or maybe a psychiatrist, to try and change my thought process in some way to prevent it from ever happening again.
I hate it. I hate the fact that I can get so attached to a place or person, just because for a very brief night, I feel better than I have in years. And I hate that it lingers so much that it makes me realize just how miserable I am where I am.
It’s like you’ve gone your whole life locked up in a cellar, but you don’t see it as bad because it’s what you’ve come to know as home. Then some saint pulls you outside into the sun, with nature thriving all around you – just for you to be dragged back into the dark cellar again only hours later. You feel so discontent with how you live after that. You now know what it’s like to have that luxury, and it kills you inside that it couldn’t continue.
That’s how separation anxiety feels. It eats at you, every second. It might even give you nightmares, if you’re lucky enough to sleep. I feel like this is a new weakness of mine. Hell, I feel like it makes me pathetic, that I can’t handle letting go of somewhere or someone.
I feel trapped…