I need to make more friends.  That sounds juvenile, I suppose, but it’s true.  Most of my good friends are really far away, and we’ve all sort of drifted apart.  Jordan is so distant lately.  Probably working on his game designs…  and pining for Mags…  still, it makes me feel kind of shitty that he doesn’t come around much.  I try to keep myself from thinking about possible reasons why – I can be very paranoid when it comes to my friends. 

I talked to him earlier, and he said he was going out with Mags tonight – as though the two of them had private plans.  I told him I had been invited along on this outing as well, and he didn’t seem to enthusiastic about seeing me there.

 

I did tell Mags I probably couldn’t make it, because I have SO MUCH to do.

I guess, it’s sort of like the whole heroin deal.  I never wanted to stand up and decide to try, because I didn’t want to prove to myself what I feared the most:  that I could not be saved.  I was afraid it was too late for me.  That I was too far gone, or "constitutionally incapable" of getting better… 

When Ace believed in me, and talked me through the kick, I finally knew better.  I knew I was still me, under all this pain, confusion, and hurt.  Buried under seven years of madness and addiction, I was still there – perhaps, barely breathing, but the person I had always been was still alive.  And, unlike the other times I had kicked, I didn’t just see wreckage and pain on the other side.  When I came through the darkness of withdrawal, and the fog of the post acute sickness, I saw so much that was beautiful.  So much that was worth fighting for – which is crazy, because when I came to DT, I had given up on everything.  I thought I had lost everything.  My best friend (or so I thought, back then) was gone (Quinn), my husband was adament that he was leaving…  my circle of friends had been put assunder, and I was to blame.  I realized quickly that Jordan and Mags were the only people around here that I could really count on.  They’ve always been devoted friends.  True, Jordan is ducking me lately.  I wonder if he thinks I counseled Mags to go platonic with him – I did not.  I talked him up the way a good friend should.  I sang his praises – his generousity, and gentle nature.  Could just be that he’s busy…  whatever…

With Mags, it’s all on me.  She’s been trying, and I have been sick, or myred in all the things I can’t seem to get done.  Or too damn depressed to be around people…

I miss hanging with Jordan.  We used to spend so much time together. 

 

I need to meet new people.  I have found some cool activities through meetup.com, but I haven’t made any actual friends, yet.  Most of the cats I meet are older than me, and the ones who are close to my age seem less interested in socializing than you would think.
Mags is calling, right now, and I am considering actually going to this art thing.  More later…

 

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