Yeah, I'm blogging again after just posting one like 30 minutes ago. It's because I seriously do not know what to do. I'm losing it. A couple things that triggered this. I was walking around trying to calm down and relax and my mom comes home from shopping and asks to put away groceries. So I start doing that, even though I'm uncomfortable that she's home and I'm not in the safety of my room but the kitchen. It seems to be easier when I'm alone to go out in the living room, kitchen, etc. So my anxiety went up. Then, she starts telling me that her chest hurt this morning and she felt sick, but she felt better now. Like, SERIOUSLY…you have to talk about that when that's the one thing on my mind giving me what feels like a heart attack? I know it's not her fault. But I can't help but be angry about the situation in general. It wasn't enough that it was haunting me and giving me anxiety but then it had to actually be brought up and reinforced in my head. I just stood there in the kitchen, shaking my head, as my anxiety rose like crazy. Then, the phone rings, my mom gives it to me and it's my brother. He says he's going to be on his way soon with his friend Kyle. Great…someone else to see me freak out. I told him I was having bad anxiety and I didn't know how I was going to be able to go into the stores. But he kinda shrugged it off even though I was REALLY hinting at him not to come, it was very obvious. But he just said "I'll call you when I get there". I hung up, stared at the phone…picked up my phone like 5 minutes later and texted him "did you leave yet". He didn't respond so I tried calling him with no answer. I was going to tell him not to come. He's probably on his way now so it's too late. I'm freaking out so bad on the inside. My husband is sitting near me on his laptop and he hasn't even noticed that I'm having anxiety. I'm hiding it pretty well. Because if he asks me 'what's wrong' I think I'll burst out crying and not be able to control myself. I can't do this! I can't handle the thoughts in my head, I can't handle my anxiety, I can't handle my brother and his friend coming over here, I can't handle going to the stores especially on Xmas Eve, I can't handle seeing my husbands mom today. I just can't. I'm pretty useless, with all my "I can'ts" and I know this. But it's the way my life is right now and I honestly cannot change it for the time being. I wish I could flip a switch and be okay. I want to SO badly to be able to go wherever I want in my apartment, go to the stores, enjoy the company of other people, see my mother in law, not be stuck where I am.
My legs and hands are starting to shake really bad and it's getting worse. Trying to breathe through this, not helping. I think I worked myself up too far this time. I can't stop thinking. I can't get away from this. No matter what I do, it's like it will creep up on me somehow and tell me everything my head is telling me and even worse.
He's going to be here soon and I'm dreading this. I won't be surprised if I come back on this blog a million times and post more because I don't know what else to do.