All I can think about is you, and your beautiful smile. You, with your strong arms around me and sweet kissies on my lips. I’m washing your laundry and it makes me want to cry, because I miss you so. I used to be able to write about so many things, I used to be ok. Now all I can write about is you. The way you kiss me, the way you look at me, your hands on me. The sound of your voice as you say my name. Your beautiful hands, your strong shoulders. Your laugh, it’s like a waterfall of happiness flowing over me. I want more life! I want more hikes with you, more drives with you, more days with you. You are mi vida, mi corazon. My everything.

I don’t feel so anxious when you are near. When you are gone, it feels like my world is disappearing. I still deal with all of my symptoms when you are here, but your presence makes it easier to deal with. You have been so patient with me, despite my craziness and anxiety, you are a solid rock in the face of it all. How I need you now! How I need you with me! Oh, why can’t you have a job that you could do from home like so many others do? Why do you have to go into work? I felt like I was disappearing as I was rubbing your neck this morning. It’s such a frightening feeling. In truth, I know that everything is ok and I’m just dealing with a severe mental illness. I know that you will come home, just like you always do, and that everything will be all right, just like you said it would.

You said, when I told you I felt like I was sinking, “Baby, you’re ok, it’s just a feeling.” How I wish I could believe you! Because it doesn’t feel like it’s just a feeling, it feels like it’s really happening to me. I love it when you call me “Baby.” I’m sitting here on our bed, missing you, wishing somehow things could be different, things could be ok again. I feel like I can hardly breathe! I’m having my fourth cup of Irish Breakfast tea. All this caffeine is probably not good for me, but it tastes so good, I only feel like drinking black tea. Just like you only drink your coffee in the morning. Fee and tea. How I miss you! How I wish you were here with me. I feel like I don’t know what to do when you aren’t here. I barely know what to do when you are here. I feel like my days are a blur of anxiety, without you here with me.

All I can think about is you and your beautiful smile. And your strong arms around me and your sweet kissies on my lips. Now I am going in circles, needing you desperately. You will be home in six and a half hours. I don’t know how I’m going to get through it. I love you. You are my everything, and I miss you. I know that everything will be all right when you are here. I just don’t know what I’m going to do in the meantime. Mi vida, mi corazon.