So…the other night I was talking to Kim on FB, and I can't believe it but after talking about a few different things…
I asked her this:
"Hey…kinda a serious question…You don't hang out/talk to me out of pity right? It's just I feel like you and maddie are so amazing, and fun people, and compared to you, i;m just wasting your time. so many things have happened this year, i've like fallen behind it feels like and I eny you and maddie at times (not in a bad way, cus like your my friends and I love you as friends of course) and sorry if this is a random time but, it's just been on my mind for awhile… :/ "
I had typed it, and hadn't planned on sending it, but them my dog jumped into my lap and it sent the message, By this time Kim had gone offline though and so the whole night and next day I was panicking, having serious doubts of even typing that.
I ended up cutting my thighs and stomach from the stress. (plus, that guy that was supposed to come and fix the sink, fucked up and something happened to his car, so he said he'd come later but never did so now he's coming tomorrow and just MORE stress about some stranger in the house!)
anyway…so I got on earlier tonight, but I FINALLY forced myself to read her response…here what it said:
"I'm SOO SOO SORRY for not responding earlier! See, since I was planning to scare Maddie's parents by randomly sleepover over I was using her laptop and when she got home I had to hide so i couldn't respond(TRUESTORY)But lemme lay it to you straight, I don't hang out with people out of pity. You know why? Because I genuinely like the people I spend my time with and I never say things I don't mean. So take my word when I say I love you Andrea, and I love you just the way you exist. I don't associate with people for what others think, or for an ego boost. Nor do I judge people by the way they act, look, or are. Sure there are some people I dislike by their attitudes and the way they treat others but that's just a personal thing of mine, I like people who respect others. I think I surround myself with people who are wholesome and good, and you're no exception. I wouldn't change a thing about you because change is something only for the individual and no one should force their ideals on people, just hopefully influence them for their friend's own good. You're in no way or shape wasting my time, if anything I feel like I've been letting you down. I know you're trying to keep up with everyone, and I'm sorry for not slowing down to help you get back into the swings of things! I admire that you work so hard and even in the face of everything you still reach out. You're an amazing person Andrea, and you're only getting better. I only wish that you would try to see the silver lining in things more often, not everything is against you cause you have friends like me that love you and are willing to spend time with you, not out of pity, but of authentic like:)"
(the beginning was part of another conversation, you see she was staying over at maddie's house to scare her parents since they didn't know,)
anyway, Despite her saying this….(which made me cry, and i'm still crying) I can't believe it! why can't i!? both her and maddie said these things and I still can't believe it, why would anyone want to be w/someone like ME?
I'm horrible, and disgusting, a waste of space for this horrible planet! and even now, on FB chat maddie is trying to cheer me up…i'm not even worth it! god, I just…ugh I can't even form my feelings into words…