I sit here tonight to start my 1st ever blog, to try to help and understand this disorder that has controlled me my whole life. Panic attacks. Depression. Confusion. Loneliness. Loss of hope. My entire life has been based on “Andrea it’s not that serious calm down” “Andrea look at your face” “omg Andrea your back is bad” “what makes you get anxiety” “what stresses you out” these are all questions I only wish I myself can answer. I wish I knew why one of my biggest problems is I’m a picker.. I’ve been on anxiety medication and sure it helps but look at my back it doesn’t really help. What do you do when no one around you understands you? What do you do when you’re the only person you know with actual hard issues? Not “omg my test was hard I had anxiety” but “where do I go from here” I’m a picker. When I’m stressed, having a panic attack anything I pick… my face finally doesn’t have scabs but my back that is a war zone.. I wish I could understand why when I was answering members calls and I felt a little scared I reach into my shirt. I wish I could understand why when my daughter does something new I have a mini panic attack. I wish I knew. I wish I could understand myself. But is it because I’m to afraid to know the deep scars that give me this disorder? Or is it because I really don’t know. These questions haunt me everyday when I don’t even realize I’ve dug a hole into my back until my anxiety attack is over.. As I start to go to bed with the fear of darkness and something may go bad I wish y’all goodnight.
Andrea, you write really beautifully.
For what it’s worth I’m sorry for your pain, I’m really sorry for the confusion that makes the panic worse.
Your resilience is so inspiring and seems to have been hard won. I think that anxiety builds bravery that people who don’t suffer couldn’t understand.
What is more formidable than a person who sees monsters in the streets but still manages to take even one step outside. You are far braver than you know.