wel this is my first time doing anything like this..

i feel kinda pathetic complaining online to whoever will listen but who knows maybe pouring it out will make me feel better

i hate nights like these. i can have a fine regular day, even feel excited and happy and hopeful and then suddenly its gone like someone ripped it right out of me and im left at home, cant sleep, with a hole in my chest that feels like its been there the whole time, i get all choked up trying to explain it but i can never seem to just cry and get it out. and if i do i know ill wake up exausted and be in a weird mood for the next couple days, or else ill wake up with a whole new outlook and feel happy but thats almost worse cause than i have farther to fall the next time. i dont know if anyone will even read this, i dont know if anyone will understand, but i have nowhere else to talk , and i feel like i cant trust anyone around me, even if they love me , they dont see it like i do and it makes it worse. ive suddenly felt depressed for the past 5 years, it started when i was in gr9 and i didnt know what to do and i guess i still dont.  i had a counsellor for a couple months in tenth grade , he was a youth leader and really fun and outgoing and then i found out 3 months ago that he committed suicide. if i dont have to work i dont get out of bed all day. im always exausted but late at night i cant sleep, i feel secluded from the world and i feel like ill never get out of this hole . i feel beyond sad or dissapointed or hurt. i just want to feel ok