Well firstly to all the Aussies out there, Happy Australia Day! I spent my day having a nice barbicue lunch and watching the cricket. Not that I should have watched it as we lost. Very dissapointing.
Tomorrow I have my first day of the Job seeker course that I have been asked to do. I’m really very nervous about it. The lady that put me up for it said that there is quite a big group in the course at the moment, and that just makes me even more nervous about it. I’m worried that I’ll make a fool of myself, say something stupid, or worse, fail. What if the others in the course don’t like me? what if they say something to me that makes me upset? what if they see my scar on my wrist and ask me what happened? I simply can’t just come out and say.. "ohh well I tried to kill myself..". Thats just stupid. What if they guess that thats what I have done, and then judge me for it?
So many things are running through my mind. I’m so scared of it. This will be the first thing I have done with a group of strangers since I was in the hospital. I used to be confident in crowds, and would try to make sure I got my point heard. But now, all I can think of is hiding in the corner and hoping that I won’t be seen. This is so not good. I’m sure after the first day I will be a bit better, but wow, I’m freaking out about it.
I know its quite illogical to have these thoughts, and I have been trying to reassure myself, and distract myself all day. I even straightened my hair, just to keep my mind off of it.
I can see that i’m a totaly different person to what I used to be. Many years ago I was confident and full of life, and now, look at me, cowering at the thought of being in a group of people. I’d love to just turn back time.
I have to leave the house every day this week. From Tuesday till thursday i have this course, and on Friday I have a meeting with Matt. I’m sure he is going to be really pleased that I havn’t drunk at all this fourtnight. On friday it will have been 4 weeks. Gee time is passing by quickly. It will be interesting having to leave the house every day. I don’t think I have done that since I was working, back in March last year. I can’t belive it’s coming up to a whole year since I have worked. It’s really quite unbelievable. This time last year I was working, and I actually rememeber working on Australia Day last year. Who knew that a year on i’m still unhappy, and I’m not even working! Crazy crazy stuff.
Yesterday I actually was looking through the job section of the paper. I was actually thinking that I might apply for something, now i’m not so sure. If i’m this freaked out about a simple 4 week course, what am I going to be like in a job. .. Sighh..
Two steps forward, one step back.. well at least its A step..
Think positive jacqui.. think positive..