This has happened to me before. I am in a vulnerable situation…right now i seem to be 3-4 days into a depression (and it is so painful at moments). today my boyfiend picked as a day to tell me that hhe has noticed how prejudiced I am and would like me to stop in. I am horribly mortified and embarrrassed to the point it is really psychologically throwing me for a loop….when I already feel like I am down. Maybe this happens to othher people though. The worrld doesn't just stop and be gentle to you whhen you are down and I don't want to go back to him and say, don't tell me thinks that bother you when I am depressed. It took months fo him to say this to me in such a clear-cut way, and it must have taken courrage to say it. He said if I was like that inside, hhe couldn't continue to have a relationship with me. what I need to tell him is that I will continue to have those thoughts….I think some of them are valid observations, are not hurtful to anyone.

Perhaps relative to this is the ffac that he immigrated to the US when he was 22…he is now 53. He suffers discrimination on a daily basis I am sure….I know he feels bad about the color of his skin, and probably wishes it were lighter. I tthink he looks great. I wish he were more sexually educated….he is kind ofnaive and that is starting to get to me.

Anyhhow……kick me whhen I am down….why do people do that???? Did he tthink I was going to arrgue back wen he said that. I was angy I told him that he hadn't otld me earlier, but he said that was because he wasn'tt allowed to express his opinion grrowing up. I don't know about that though….it seems like he has given me his opinion on other things. I feel hurt today…I guess I made him feel hurt. Perhaps he and some Indian friends and relatives have some stereotypical ideas about wihte Americans…..if they do, I can live with it I think. My Daughter said I used to do this too. she said I was really judgemenal and it really bothered her. Now thtat I think about this….I I I I I feel like I I I I I am being rejected for my personal thoughts and feelings based on what I have seen and observed in my life, and I am not allowed to share any of those things. I might be able to say, I think that many men…blah blah blah, but I can not say, Italian people, Yankee fans, Professors, or does it have to do with the color of someone's skin where there is an issue. I feel like I will have littttle to talk about, and now doubt the QUALITY of mysel as a person….Am I a rotttton person for thinking all these things?

But, please people….don't kick me when I am down.


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