In August 2022, I had to leave my job. I loved my job, but I could no longer physically perform the duties of my job, so I let the managers know and submitted my 2 weeks notice. My last day was rough, and I knew I would miss being there, but I also knew I had to focus on my health so I could. In August, I was walking upwards of 21,000 steps per day.

By December, I could only manage 1,000 on a good day and only with excruciating pain. I had to do something. In November, I had tried a cortisone shot, but that did absolutely nothing after the anesthesia wore off. One hour of pure bliss with absolutely no pain followed by that whole hour’s worth of pain all catching up to me at once.

In mid-January, I spoke with the orthopedic surgeon once more. We decided on surgery. I thought March or April, but when the scheduler called me, she scheduled me for the next week, Feb. 1st.

Surgery went well with no complications. It was an adventure I will not share here, but everything worked out well. I went home the same day and have been struggling since.

A cartoon dog named Bluey once lamented, “Why can’t it happen straightaway?” So, for the past few days, I have been lamenting how I am useless and can’t do anything. Why can I not be healed straightaway? It is wearing on my mental health to constantly be reminded of simple tasks you are used to doing that you no longer can. Cleaning the toilet, feeding your ESA, doing dishes, cooking, even washing yourself up.

The ANXIETY of what am I going to do when my life partner goes back to work, and I am alone to fend for myself when I can’t even bring a bowl from the microwave to the dining room table by myself. The DEPRESSION of being reminded all the things I cannot do, despite the deep seeded desire to try to do them anyways. The FEAR of accidentally forgetting or falling and trying to brace myself with my injured ankle that I’m not supposed to put pressure on.

My life partner is amazing, don’t get me wrong. He does so much for me, but that’s kind of just it. I can’t continue to rely on that, because eventually he has to go back to work. So, in the meantime, I am a 24/7 ball of raw nerves and emotions mixed with pain.

Somehow, I will get this. I have to.