Struggling to think my way out of this discontent…  it hasn’t been this bad since I started kicking.  I feel so chewed up, and spit out.  I feel the floor evaporating under my feet, and I don’t know where to land. 

"There you said it, it slipped out
Now it’s out there and I’m filled with doubt
Please say something to let me back in
What are you saying?  What are you saying?"

It all went bad yesterday, and I don’t remember when I’ve sobbed so much.  Well, I guess the spiral started a week ago, but yesterday I hit the wall.  And, now, I’m in a full on downward silde.  It’s not going to come to any good.

My voice is still strained, even though the head cold is slowly fading.  Still need to go the doc, for other reasons (I am still basically falling apart on the inside), if I am going to proceed at all with this whole self-care kick, but that could all just be as big of a joke as the rest of my self improvement jag.  I am so easily derailed.  There is no excuse for it.

"This conversation is a mountainside
It’s a long way down and there’s no place to hide
When we started up it didn’t look this high
What are you saying?  What are you saying?"

Dropped off some pictures at the gallery – the guy wasn’t there, so I put a disc in his mailbox.  I hope he gets it.  I am supposed to go to a movie with Jordan.  He’s here, now.  I don’t know if I am going to make it to the movie.  So sad…

Trying to dismiss thoughts of smack…  my mind wanders to thoughts of cutting myself…  and, I seriously consider it. But, I haven’t gone there, yet.  I would have to buy new knives.  Or sharpen the ones I have…  I actually think I may have a device for that somewhere in this clutter.

"I’m sleeping I’m dreaming , I’m ten feet tall
I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming you up against the wall
Louder, louder, then silently
What are you saying?  What are you saying to me?"  (Mason Jennings, "Fourteen Pictures")

I am trying to get a hold of myself.  I don’t want to be  maudlin, whiner.  I don’t want to be one of those "oh, woe" writers.  I just feel so broken.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  And, there is so much I should be doing.  So much I want to do, but I am more paralyzed than I have been since early in the kick.  I just want to disappear.

If someone tells you that it’s okay to talk to them about a specific subject, and that assertion seems questionable to you, DON’T BELIEVE THAT IT IS OKAY.  There’s a good chance it isn’t.

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