"survivor's guilt"–that's not an official 'diagnoses' but it is how i think of it.

i lived, basically, motel hopping….running scared….dying inside–mourning my motherhood and needing my children. i was 'out there' for a pretty long time. it, of course, finally got the best of me and i landed in county jail. my beloved parents were scared for me…hurt for me…and at the same time shamed and disappointed. i spend the longest amt of time in jail (not the 1st time there, though)…i was there for four months. about 2 months in, i commited myself to getting clean. i finally found the humility to admit my sins and the strength to try something new. while i was locked up my soulmate moved…his parents admitted him into a recovery house in a town over 100 miles away. my parents picked me up on the day i got out and, after a stop to see my dying grandmother, they drove me the 100 miles and i stepped forward and admitted i had a problem. —skipping to *now*, cause this is already more detailed than i meant it to be—

we are about to come up on our 3rd year here (and clean). i have all i need and most of what i want….things are "good". my parents are SO proud of me now. i never go hungry…i'm never physically or mentally abused (which is new to me) YET……i feel guilty. guilty to have ANYTHING when i don't have my kids. Guilt b/c it's so soon (kinda) that i have gotten myself together…that it doesn't REALLY matter since I cannot share my life with my children. Also, i feel guilty of leaving my friends behind and sad knowing that i most likely will NEVER see them again and I have so many cherished friends from that life. i check in often to the online version of the newspaper back home. not wanting to see my friends die or get arrested but to see how they are…how they look..-i even have a collection of mugshot pictures of my friends that i got from either the dept o' corrections or the county jail. i sometimes think of where they are and wondering what they're doing and i'm so saddened that there's, like, a 99% chance that if they are NOT locked up..they are still doing the same thing over and over. "surviving" out there..stuck in the cycle… get money-get dope-get money-get more.. i feel gulty b/c i know i am NO better than any of them and they have so little and in comparison i have so much.

i honestly miss it…..the life. it kept me busy (LOL)…kept me more numb, clouded the pain w/ smoke…i was somewhat miserable and that made me feel better.WoW…that's a weird statement. but it's accurate.

OK— can't phrase anything more right now. thanks

1 Comment
  1. childless_mother 10 years ago

     @jen. thank you so much. and thank you for being a part of my day.

    it's a one-foot-in-front-of-the-other process for me now. i don't like sounding like i'm whining or poor-me or overly dramatic…that being said, i don't think i will EVER stop hurting. how can i? everyday the thought intrudes on me—-i will never, ever hold any of my children again. sometimes i get a sudden panic and i just want to scream, "this isn't what was supposed to happen!!!!! NO!" but it has happened. i want to generally believe that i am a good person, and mother….but somehow…..idk….maybe i'm wrong.
    when people are asked what the most important thing in their life is….what kept them going, even through the dark….their purpose….the one thing you they could NOT live without—-often the answer is "my children"
    where does that leave me?? how am i supposed to go on??
    ok, i'm done. i'm going to bed. 
    0 kudos

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