TodayI was..well feeling pretty good because it was soo nice out! 60 degrees! Spring is here!!! I wore a pretty earth colored(dull purple blue tan and brown) spring like sun dress and went out shopping with my mom. Normally my style is a little darker or w.e. u wanna call it. Skinny jeans or a tutu or w.e. and I didn't put on my favorite black eyeliner. Instead I used my light blue eyeliner put on brown/orange eyeshadow with olive green on the lids–this is very different for me! normally i'm doing crazy designs on my eyes, doing anime eyes, wearing crazy contacts or wierd lipstick or something. (Sorry for all the detail! I'm going into Fashion as my career soo i tend to get carried away)
In the mall I walked by one of those pillar mirror things and when I saw myself I kind of just stared. It was like seeing myself years ago. WhenI was like 12 or 13. I wore barely any make up and my style was more on the preppy side then and I just kind of stared. Because my lips were up turned in a smile- a smile! Its been a long time since I was happy but good weather has that affect on me. And I almost looked happy, which scared me. I didn't even know who I was. It has been 4 years since I looked happy. Then I looked into my reflection's eyes and saw the deep sadness and pain hidden behind them that I recognized so well, and I saw the necklace that my friend I only met because of my depression made me. And what's really wierd and disturbing is I found comfort in the infinite sadness behind my eyes, and the familiar locket necklace holding the pictures of my pawpaw and grandma that had died 10 years ago.
Is it wierd that seeing the familiar pain in my eyes gives me comfort? That cannot be normal- not that I have ever been normal- but it concerns and comforts me at the same time. It is disturbing how familiar this depression has become that now I wouldn't know who I am without it.