I've been trying to stay positive no matter what and refuse to acknowledge this downspirited feeling inside me. However, I had a couple of setbacks in the past week. My new position is working somewhat. I don't have a laptop yet and since that it is a big part of the job, it makes it difficult. I made the first mistake, but worked really hard to rebound. My supervisor noticed and commented that I need to let being a perfectionist go which made me even more unsettled inside.I miss being in the class and interacting with students, but I'm not missing the interacting with the adults on campus one bit. I could not be with people who could care less this year. I did not have it in me to be around them and be miserable.
I tried to stay up and positive during the weekend despite that there is no one to do things with and go places. I suggested a new place to eat when I went out with my boyfriend, but he hated it. We always go where he likes to go and I always smile, grin, and bear it when I don't like the food choices, but he couldn't do the same. He did rebound and do something romantic after we left, but it would have been nice to have a meal where someone is going to hold a conversation with you instead of being angry they don't like anything on the menu. Last night, we decided to go out again to eat (one of his favorite places) and it was better. Then, when I came home my mother decided to crush my evening. She doesn't like him and she can't stand when I go out which is the only form of a social life I have and have had since she came to live with me. Today I came home from work and just stayed in my room-a prisoner in my own home. I felt like I was dragging a ball and chain around all day at work. At least all morning tomorrow will be occupied by meetings so I will be able to go far away in my mind while this meeting is going on. I'm good at paying attention and escaping in my mind during meetings. I just feel very empty. The idea of ending it hasn't gone completely away like I want it, but it's not as strong as it used to be. Last night and all day today I thought about it strongly. I tossed around the idea of going away for the upcoming weekend and doing it since I prefer doing somewhere remote as opposed to at home. I think maybe focusing on sleep and continuing to pray for help might help me in the long run. It just feels like I'm running out of the energy or heart to stick it out to make it to that long run point.
Always wonder at what moment did people decide to take themselves out officially. Was it after long thought or was it impulsive? Was it after living in a situation where it seemed there was no way out or was after one brief moment of sadness? Who knows? If anyone would care to wonder at what moment I decided the answer would be probably today. At THIS moment, I will seriously begin to move toward that as a solution. Parents do right by your children don't drain them dry and don't ever deny them access to the other parent because of your personal feelings. When you do that you doom your child to a life of despair. I have been that lost child in a strange place for far too long. I promised myself I would not spend the end part of the year like last year, the year before, and the year before that. I know that I cannot physically or emotionally go through another stressful time that the holidays bring. Thanksgiving isn't even here yet and my mom who continues to live in my home has ruined it already. Her selfishness and controlling ways are unbelievable. If I wrote all the things no one would believe me. She has caused pure havoc today, but she ate her dinner and burbed without missing a beat. I won't spend an Oct-Dec like last year. I do not have the strength. I am tired.