I want to thank you all so much for your responses to the previous blog. I’ve been dealing with those feelings in varying degrees my whole life, however this is the most unique. It’s the easiest and the hardest ever. Things are happening and people are being people and I’m pretty sure that for the most part none of it should be taken personally. As for those whos intentions are questionable, well, I’ve been up in these hills a like this a little while now and considering the lack of care or concern to begin with, I’m not taking the hits too hard. Unfortunately somethings came into sharp relief and the reality of the situations was a bit overwhelming. It’s hard when I’m the only one trying to convince me that I’m ok. It’s hard to stuff down the hurt, anger, loss, and emptyness just to be supportive of myself. Maybe I should look into DID after the ways I’ve been having to to be my best friend. However odd it is, I’ve been successful. I credit this to the fact that while no one is around to help me pick up the mood a bit, I also don’t have anyone around constantly trying to tear me down…except me. A circumstance much better than having any army of people to back up the negative. I suppose the greatest challenge is reconciling those facts. Those and the experiece of finally having company a few days ago only to have ask them to leave. The whole thing was pretty much just following through with a previous offer and being done with the entire association. But I have to ask, how weird, destrurbing, and hateful is it when a person who knows very well what moving things around can do to a person with OCD, a person who just that afternoon before you ran an errand brought up the time they tried to help and it took you weeks to sort it all out afterwards, the same person you reminded "Don’t touch my things, if you want to do me a favor…don’t do me any favors". And when you returned home from your errands every peice of furniture, desk items, even pictures in the common rooms of your house were someplace different, some even in another room. The intent behind this, without question, following their bringing up and confirming the potential damage based on the last time they "helped", is nothing short of ridiculous and painful. The worst pain of all was the realisation that I had needed help to move just a couple of pieces but didn’t have any. This person put more time and energy in to moving my furniture, and thought into what it could do to me, than anyone has who says they care. There is, in my mind, something horribly and fundementally wrong with the entire situation…and on both sides. Someone wanting to mess up my head put in effort, time, and serious consideration into moving my furniture…something I had needed for weeks but no one could arrange to come and help. I’m still at a loss to determine which hurts more. So, that was the what happened to cause me to tank so bad yesterday. I imagine that one’s going to go on for a while. It’sdifficult to determine any degree of self worth when these are the only choices you have…well, those…yourself…and 2 kittens you adopted from the shelter because making sure they are loved and cared for is the only way you could make sure you’d keep breathing. For what it’s worth I highly value the opinions of my kittens. I’m still struggling with getting things to where they belong but it’s slow going since it’s all a constant reminder. I can’t express to all of you how meaningful, important, necessary, your responses were. I appreciate your support, time, care and concern more than I’ll ever be able to show. It was, and still is for now, all I have. Thank you again. M