I can't write much more…..feeling dizzy, and lightheaded, and have a headache….you ever feel like if you write it all out before it's going to happen that the beast will be exposed to the masses and will decide to leave you alone now that it knows that there are others who are going to rally to your side?….I think that's what all this frantic writing in the last hour or so is all about…

One more thing for now…about,,,what I fear is going to lead me to break….a job…finally got one,,,,but,,,I don't like it already before I even started.,…it's a job as a security officer of all things that I found via Craigslist….I have no idea what in the hell I'm supposed to do or how in thhe hell I'm supposed to do it…all I know is they say they want me to start this Saturday working all day from 10am-10pm at an all-day concert fest…the idea of finally having some $….to have money in particularly RIGHT FREAKING now when I need it the most to at least be able to afford to take a badly-needed weekend vacation the weekend of Sept 21 to Bloomington, Indiana to see my Missouri Tigers play Indiana in football that I have so been hoping to have money to be able to afford to do for months now……a weekend away from STL….oh how I've wanted to do this for so long, even if it's just a mere 4 hours or so out of town,,,,it will feel like a trip to freaking Europe for me at this point,,.omg, THAT'S how bad I've been wanting a weekend away somewhere, ANYWHERE, away from town, away from family, a different place with different scenerey and different places to see and different places to eat, and where no one knows you,,,you know what I mean?. Those of you who know how good travel can be for the soul–that's how I always feel anyway–surely understand what I mean….anyway, the opprtunity to finally have money hopefully just in the nick of time to be able to go away that weekend…is not sounding appealing enough to cancel out fear of impending anxiety I feel about this…job…..dealing with thousands of annoying loud obnoxious jerks?,,,telling them…what….not to fight??/ Or what???? I have no freaking idea..,,,,jesus, I'm not neearly enough of an extrovert for this kind of job…and I'm thinkniig In might quit before I'm even supposed to start on Saturday…or even quit DURING the day on Saturday if I feel myself getting depressed or overcome with anxiety,,,,all in the name of preserving my fragile mental health….yet all at the expense of missing out on a badly needed potentially good time away from home…..it's another Catch-22 in that regard….I just realized,,,,,jesus,,,(sincerely sorry to any religious people I might offend by saying that,,,just seems to be the only word I can think of offhand)….all of this is just leading to me being majorly f&**ed..isn't it?….. I don't know what to do….

I don't want to do my time in hell again…..I fought so hard to get through it after '09-'12…I don't want to go back there again..

I think that's all for now…..but not sure.


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