I was reading a book tonight that I purchased, by accident, about obsessive thoughts. I hadn't read the cover very well when I bought it and I didn't realize that it was just about obsessions and not compulsions. I don't really have a problem with obsessions anymore but I thought "what the hell? I'll read it anyway." Well after I started reading the book, I started feeling anxious and scared that my obsessions would return. All those old feelings started coming back and I thought "Oh no! Not again!"
I turned to my husband, who was seated next to me and to whom I tell everything—no matter how ridiculous—, and I said "I am scared that reading this book is going to make me start having obsessive thoughts again. I feel really anxious and scared right now." And he looked at me and he said very slowly, "Honey, all that's just junk." He didn't say it in a demeaning tone, he said it in a "You really need to realize….." sort of way. And those words just hit me to my core. I IMMEDIATELY felt like a thousand pounds had been lifted off my chest and I started laughing and tears came to my eyes. Those words have set me free. Maybe all the reading I have done this week and all the thinking I have been doing about what OCD really is, has made my mind more fertile to accept new things…I don't know. But for whatever reason, those words turned a light on in my mind. I actually thought about all the stupid things I do and I laughed. I must have smiled for 20 minutes. I couldn't stop. I realized that it really is all just JUNK. I have created this false reality that is based on bullshit. I mean, I knew that before. But I didn't really feel it in my heart. But today I did. It is all such utter and complete nonsense. It really is laughable how I use to believe I might stab myself if I hold a knife. And it is such nonsense that I believe that a light might be on, even while I am staring at it and seeing that it is off. None of it is real. It is just a bunch of crap floating around in our heads. It really and truly is just our imaginations working overtime making us do completely stupid things. Listening to all these ridiculous urges and thoughts and letting them upset me is like going in and having a facelift because a blind man told me I was ugly. It is all just one big lie and I finally get it now. I am so grateful to my husband.
I know that I will still check things, at least for a while, because the checking is such a habit for me. But I know it's not going to control me anymore because my fear of it is gone.
I really think that those of us with anxiety and OCD have a lot of free floating anxiety and adrenaline in our bodies all the time. I think it is just how we are. We are negative thinkers and our brain chemistry just likes to dwell on the worst. I don't think there is anything wrong with us. It is just how we are born. But because we over analyze everything and have to know the "how" and the "why" of everything, we think there must be a "reason" for it. We wonder why we are feeling anxious and we almost need something to attribute it to in order for it to make sense. Its like we create these scenarios of panic attacks and compulsions and obsessive thoughts just so we can give our anxiety something to latch onto. To us, this is better than just feeling anxious all the time for seemingly no reason at all. To our analytical brains, that would be torture. This is why my symptoms have morphed so many times. First it was panic attacks. I conquered those…then it became obsessive thinking….I conquered that and then it turned into constant worrying over my family's health…I conquered that and then it turned into OCD and having to check things constantly. And next, I am sure it will be some other crazy symptom. I used to think my anxiety disorder and my OCD were two different things. Cousins of each other. But now I don't. I think they are the exact same thing. They are my negative, over thinking personality, creating problems where there really aren't any. OCD is just a bit different because it combines anxiety with the forming of a habit. And that is quite a powerful cocktail. So not only do you have to conquer your fear of your OCD symptoms, but you have to break the habit of them as well. They are two seperate things that need to be done. But once you understand that, it is easier to do. Whether it is a thinking habit (obsessive thoughts), or a "doing" habit (compulsions), it doesn't matter. Its all the same thing. It is all caused by anxiety and it is all just nonsense and more nonsense and completely ridiculous. It is all just junk.
Wow, I guess I have cracked the code to OCD, huh? Nobody will ever have to see a therapist again. lol Just kidding….I know I rambled on and this probably only makes sense to me but I just feel so much better and felt like blogging about it. Thanks for reading!