Tough day at work. I kept having to rearrange the Expo markers. Couldn't have them laying down. Had to be standing in an upright position. And the Expo had to face a certain way. I just did it when it entered my head so I don't know what would of happened if I didn't do it.
It went like this: The Expo marker is laying down. You can't read the writing on it because it's backwards. Fix it. I did try to walk away once. Then the word mom entered my head, and I just turned back around and rearranged them. To avoid the rest of the sentence. I told myself shut up I'm going back to do it. I felt like a robot preprogrammed to avoid the bad thoughts from entering my head.
Then I was walking and I saw my reflection in a window and for a moment it looked like I was 15. It felt like I was 15. But I knew I was 29. And the longer I looked at myself the more the floaty feeling got. So I stopped everything I was doing and went outside into the cool air. Something about the cold air and cold water makes me feel better when I get confussed. I like the cold but I don't like being cold. If that makes any sense…
And out there I kept asking myself. Why is this tring to come back out on me. I was doing good. I can stop, and I can think, and I can not do what I really want to do. So I don't make other people mad at me for doing dumb things I don't really mean to do. Even though that's what I want to do… If that makes any sense too…
Anyway, I had to light my cigarettes seven times on brake if I smoked one. The writing had to face upwards at all times. I had to find a corner of an object and line the cherry up with it when I took a drag. I had to ash it seven times, while holding my breath.
Does anyone else do that??????? Hold their breath while counting or doing a ritual. It gives me a head ache, sometimes a bad one that last for days.
I have more really weird ones I haven't told anyone. I'll just keep those to myself for a little while longer.
And now it's five am and I'm about to go to bed. I feel like listening to sad music. Sad music makes me happy. If that is what happy feels like. I think I'm just going to go back into my I feel nothing shell. Atleast there I am a robot who just does things without asking questions. Without caring. No one cares about me anyway.
Cirena says she does. I think I believe her. I have in the past. But why did she do, what she did, when she knows that fucks me up everytime. Maybe I'll trust her again when I wake up, and maybe I won't.
I just want to be left alone and at the same time I just want to be held and loved on. I don't know which one sounds better right now. I like them both.
And I love Cirena. I don't know what my problem is right now…