Tough day at work.  I kept having to rearrange the Expo markers.  Couldn't have them laying down.  Had to be standing in an upright position.  And the Expo had to face a certain way.  I just did it when it entered my head so I don't know what would of happened if I didn't do it. 

It went like this:  The Expo marker is laying down.  You can't read the writing on it because it's backwards.  Fix it.  I did try to walk away once.  Then the word mom entered my head, and I just turned back around and rearranged them.  To avoid the rest of the sentence.  I told myself shut up I'm going back to do it.  I felt like a robot preprogrammed to avoid the bad thoughts from entering my head.

Then I was walking and I saw my reflection in a window and for a moment it looked like I was 15.  It felt like I was 15.  But I knew I was 29.  And the longer I looked at myself the more the floaty feeling got.  So I stopped everything I was doing and went outside into the cool air.  Something about the cold air and cold water makes me feel better when I get confussed.  I like the cold but I don't like being cold.  If that makes any sense…

And out there I kept asking myself.  Why is this tring to come back out on me.  I was doing good.  I can stop, and I can think, and I can not do what I really want to do.  So I don't make other people mad at me for doing dumb things I don't really mean to do.  Even though that's what I want to do…  If that makes any sense too…

Anyway, I had to light my cigarettes seven times on brake if I smoked one.  The writing had to face upwards at all times.  I had to find a corner of an object and line the cherry up with it when I took a drag.  I had to ash it seven times, while holding my breath.

Does anyone else do that???????  Hold their breath while counting or doing a ritual.  It gives me a head ache, sometimes a bad one that last for days.

I have more really weird ones I haven't told anyone.  I'll just keep those to myself for a little while longer.

And now it's five am and I'm about to go to bed.  I feel like listening to sad music.  Sad music makes me happy.  If that is what happy feels like.  I think I'm just going to go back into my I feel nothing shell.  Atleast there I am a robot who just does things without asking questions.  Without caring.  No one cares about me anyway.

Cirena says she does.  I think I believe her.  I have in the past.  But why did she do, what she did, when she knows that fucks me up everytime.  Maybe I'll trust her again when I wake up, and maybe I won't.

I just want to be left alone and at the same time I just want to be held and loved on.  I don't know which one sounds better right now.  I like them both.

And I love Cirena.  I don't know what my problem is right now…

1 Comment
  1. sammyd 14 years ago

     God that sound like a nightmare on crack. 😐 I know what you mean about the sad music making you happy, that happens with me too. I don't do the holding my breath thing when i do a ritual… I hope i don't start now. Just know that people do care about you. Hey i mean look im a stranger and i cared enough to right somthing so you knew i cared 🙂

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