The ache pretty much summons up everything going on in the mind, body and soul.

I have some news.

I was ghosted. My worst fear happened. And now I’m processing. I was in denial the last two weeks. Since September 14 that is. That was the last time we ever spoke. I underestimate how much confidence I had in myself and believed in still finding love. Not sure if i’m a human with a purpose now. Obviously im not thinking the so called END. Okay? I mean Ive talked to the dude every day for a whole month and two weeks before we are suppose to meet he GHOSTED me.

I really wanted to believe. Childishly I let myself fall in deep for real with something I clearly knew i had no control over but I loved that someone loved me.. Or loved me for me. At least thats how it felt for me. I know thats just a simple girl confession but for the first time I wanted to be with just this person. For the first time I allowed myself to be vulnerable and I choose a complete stranger who live miles away from me. Hoping that this was my meant to be moment.

SO my chest is aching.. when im in the car, when im laying alone in bed, when I’m in the shower, when I’m making coffee, when I’m in class, and when I’m sitting here posting it on the internet. The hatred I have at myself the most. sucks. Because I hate that this happened but i’m also grateful. Because I am surviving or better words i’m living. One door closed and now a few open up.

I started to think about Max again. It’s been two years already. In January we will have been apart for three years. I wonder how he doing. I wonder if he is happy. I wonder if he is thinking about me. I wonder if he is still having a hard time sleeping at night. I wonder if he still uses cough medicine to fall sleep or does that girl make him feel safe. I loved him. I know that in my heart I had our whole future planned out. I had seen how I wanted to live with him for the rest of my life and then walked away because i knew If we continued we would hate each other forever.

The reason that came to mind was because after I got ghosted I tried to remember what real love was suppose to be. Or what I thought it was because no one is pursuing me at all. I’m so touch deprived that I cry when my own niece gives me a hug. I know I sound a bit desperate but i just want the support of a partner to know i am not going to do this alone. which made me think of MAX… He fought me day in day out to fix us. To be different but he had done so many bad things before I felt like I was being con every time I was hopeful. Everything was going in the direction of his dreams.

Then I snap back remembering that I am an awesome human. I work, I take classes, I don’t do HARD drugs, i don’t cause seens at work like some of my co workers, I don’t party, I recycle and so much more. It just hurts… Be alone even thought i love myself… its lonely