Today I had a fairly nice day. Even though I was afraid of leaving the house I made myself go anyhow. I got my hair cut and got to joke with my friend Kamar (my hairdresser) for about an hour and a half. There's nothing more soothing than to have someone else wash your hair for you. During my haircut we had to stop several times because we were laughing so hard. :-)And as always, she made me feel gorgeous with how she cut my hair ~ she's just incredible.
Unexpectedly during the last few minutesmy husband came walking in to the salon and surprised me by takingme to lunch. He had to stay at work late today and when he was done he knew where to find me, lol. It was his idea for me to go to the salon to help me feel better. I've put on weight because of the Abilify and Cogentin and I feel very poorly about myself, so he suggested I go treat myself to getting my hair done.
Most of my life I've had weight issues. I'd be thin for a year and then pick up 30 pounds or so and feel huge. Right now I'm at my all-time high; I've never been this heavy and it upsets me greatly. But the good news is that with the right diet and foods and exercise I'll get back to a place I want to be. Guess I am going to end up taking my dog on long walks afterall. 😉
I want to take a moment to apologize to my friends here for not being around much. Because of my mental state I've been isolating a lot ~ not answering the phone, not replying to texts, and that sort of thing. I just want to make sure that you know that it's not because I don't like you, far from it! It's because I'm having a difficult time still. I don't do well with phone conversations especially ~ it takes too much effort and wipes me out. And on the other side of the equation I don't carry my cellphone around with me, so sometimes I don't answer because I don't hear the phone ring.
On to a completely different topic… My anxiety was lower today which I thank God for. My therapist is trying to teach me ways to stop my anxiety when I feel it start. So far the results have been small, but I don't do them as often as I should. I need to devote more time and energy to practicing these things.
As I sit here I can feel my anxiety level creeping up ~ not because I'm alone or anything like that, but because my Mom is giving me the cold shoulder becauseI didn't tell her that I was going to be gone this morning (which I actually DID tell her yesterday) for my haircut. So once again I'm being punished like a child for not acting like a child. I think this is where most of my stress lies; dealing with my Mom's unrealistic expectations of me and my husband. And she's the queen of guilting you ~ she uses passive agressive behaviors to get you to admit that she's right and justified in her displeasure and anger. So tonight I'm going to be treated like dirt, and tomorrow, when she goes shopping she's going to expect me to go. I haven't decided yet if I'll go with her or not. Every time I try to get her to talk to me tonight she tells me "Whatever Keya, it doesn't matter" and then turns her back on me and walks away.
I know I have the choice to choose to be angry, indifferent or kind ~ and right now I think I'm going to choose the indifferent option. As my therapist told me ~ "I guess you're just going to have to punish her a little more". I hate mind games though. I get damn sick of her moods; she can be so spiteful sometimes. This coming from someone who HAS a mood disorder. I wish I had some way to knock that chip off her shoulder.
Well, I've written a rambling novel here so I'm going to stop. I hope everyone had a better day today than they did yesterday. (((HUGS))) to all my friends and thank you for being there. Love to you all as well.