Hopefully someone will see this, and have the compassion to help me. This website is my last resort, and I need help.
I am currently suffering from clinical depression and mild anxiety. But since my original diagnosis back in January 2015, its warped from mild to severe, clinical to severe. My life has been on the downgrade for two years, despite my mom’s claims that I’m doing much better than I did two years ago. I guess she’s right. I haven’t attempted suicide in two years, I haven’t self harmed since July 2016, anyways.
I feel like the early signs of my depression started when I was a kid, ages 3 to 12. I was violent, I was moody, I didn’t care what anyone said. I physically abused my younger sister, I hurt my parents. I was violent to my classmates in school, I yelled at my teachers. I was out of control. I’d cry for hours after an “episode”, screaming and punching my mattress until I got too tired and passed out. After age 12, the violent tendencies died down, and I was “normal” for a while. It was 7th grade, and I made a friend who my mom considers to be a bad influence, despite the friend never doing drugs or alcohol or getting in trouble in school. In January 2015 when my mom decided to prohibit me from talking to her, I threatened to end my life. Police were called, I was interrogated, and sent to the nearby mental hospital for three days. I was given a medication that I no longer take (Im on a new one, I’ll get to that in a bit) and I was sent home. It only got worse from there. Two months later I ran from home to the friend who Im no longer allowed to have contact with, and was forced to move to Miami with my mom. I was placed in a school in a ghetto area, there were barely any white kids and I was picked on all the time. “White cracker!” “Salty hoe!” “Virgin fag!”. Insults were thrown at me left and right. My confidence drained, my will to live depleted, and I grew tired of living. During spring break, I attempted suicide by overdose on Tylenol. I chickened out and called my mom to take me to the hospital. I was okay, but I was once again interrogated and sent to a different hospital for a week. I was given two new medications – Lexepro and Lamictal – and sent home. I haven’t been the same since my two visits to those hospitals. Ive become unapproachable, depressed, tired. It got worse during November 2015 when my family moved to New Port Richey. I was bullied relentlessly during the remaining semester of 8th grade. I made multiple threats to end my life, but never acted upon them. I was so, so alone for months. Fast forward to August 2016 when I’m finally a highschool freshman. I thought it would be better, I could start again, make some friends and be happy. I tried to stay positive, I used the tools I was given to be happy. But, like every other school year, it was hell on earth. Highschool has done nothing but torture me, beat me down, make me even more depressed. I have passing grades, but that can’t give you friends. Ive been called a liar, a whore, a scumbag, a faggot. Whatever. Being the only lesbian in my school also makes it hard for me to get a girlfriend, so I use the internet to date girls. Im alone. The faculty and staff don’t know the proper procedures when it comes to anti-bullying, and because of that, I never get to see my bullies be punished. I don’t trust them. As of today, my medicine dosage has fluctuated severely, and my depression/anxiety is awful.
I beseech you all, please, help me.