so i pushed myself to my limits yesterday. i wore that dirty sweater all day long. from 7am until 8pm. i could not get it out of my head all day long but i resisited the urge to rip it off and rip it up. also yesterday i did a couple more tests on myself one of which being i purposely set the volume in the car to an odd number. i have never done this before. literally the second i did so my heart just dropped and my chest got tight my head started to hurt and i was breathing erratically. i waited it out for 2 minutes before i couldnt take it anymore and pushed that button again to 22 instead of 21. i am optimistic that i have the drive to get control of this but also in starting to test myself like this i am realizing how severe my compulsions really are. it is disheartning to know that something so simple as the volume being on an odd number could take such a mental and physical toll on me so fast… instantly. and how it disappated just as quickly when i corrected it. i confided in my boyfriend last night about it and how i felt about it and he didnt poke fun at me or anything but completely unsympathetic, which i know is because he doesnt understand but it put me to tears that something that was such a big deal to him was so insignificant in his eyes. i had to cry it out a little bit last night because i am overwhelmed with how difficult this is really going to be, and my realization that this is going to be a lifetime struggle to deal with. i do not want to be medicated, i dont believe in that, but i feel like one day in the future i may have to go that route just to deal. which makes me sad. and then today i log on to the tribe, and i checked the comments on the blog i posted yesterday and everyone was so supportive, telling me i am a role model and how strong i am for doing what i did. and its amazing how quickly that lifted my spirits and gave me so much hope. there is no way i could do this if i didnt have support. now i know the support i need with this is from people like me. who understand the anxiety that comes with things like germs patterns colours numbers repetition when personal rules are broken. people who understand how big of a deal it really is instead of looking at me like im crazy. people who know the embarassment of talking about it, because we know we are different and people who dont suffer the disorder we do just dont understand, and see little things like forcing ourselves to use an odd number, or eat a different colour first or to put off washing our hands even for five minutes to try and feel like we have control of ourselves as something not worth even mentioning, when in all reality it feels like the whole world has stopped, anxiety gets high, emotions run rampid and it feels like we are losing our minds! all of us have it in us to beat this.. or at least get enough control to have a life outside of our compulsions but we cannot do it alone. we have to stand together stay strong and encourage each other that we are not alone in this world, and others feel the same way. we all have different triggers and compulsions but the end result of terror pain and paranoia is what we share. and the desperation to get control we share. together we stand and we shall not fail we shall not fall because we all deserve to be happy no matter how impossible it may seem. i am so happy i was able to inspire others, but others have inspired me to make a difference. so i will continue to move forward, continue to push my limits and work my ass of everyday to take my life BACK! and i am here for anyone who needs an ear to listen and someone to stand beside u in your fight, and i hope u guys are here to stand beside me in my struggle for sanity. much love xoxoxo