here is the full version of the letter my daughter wrote to me one day, it's a constant reminder of how I have failed my kids and how i should work harder to gain their forgiveness.
We had the best of times. We had the worst of times, I watched you cry and you watch me cry.
You were there for me, and I for you, more hten a child should have to be.
I forgave you for EVERYTHING the second it happened, even for the biggest things.
We used to be so close. We even had a secret hand shake that we would do each night before bed. We had a special mother daughter bond, we were inseparable. We would always be compared because we looked so much alike, deep down I didnt mint it, because you were my idol.
Until one Sunday, when I was at dad's and i got a phone call from you saying how much you loved me and no matter what happens you always will. Immediately i knew something was wrong.
Then I found out what happened. I remember this like it was yesterday, you tried to take your own life.
Ever since then, I realized we were twon completely different people, and I hated being compared to you because I didnt think I could be strong enough just because you weren't.
Although, I was! I just wasn't the same person after. All I know is that I have become a stronger person, but on the inside I'm screaming for help, for my mom back.
I feel like a clown, with a painted smile o my face.
Eventually you started getting better, and with the cancer gone, made me feel relieved, and I'm sure you did too.
Then Gerry started coming around more and more, but where was he when you had cancer, and when you went through all of this?
Where was I ? Right beside you the whole time ! And look where I am now, alone.
It really pissed me off, how after everything, you lat him back into your life. But I saw it made you happy so I tried so hard to let it go.
Until he started being more and more controling, Anything I wanted to do, I had to ask him ! Your my parent , Not him! To me he was nothing merely than a particle.
My only interest was you ! And here you thought I was only rebelling because he had rules I didn't appreciate. Even though you knew that alot of those rules were BULLSHIT ! and yet you even told me how you hated being controlled by him. Not being able to go out, do things you wanted to do.
I'm not trying to attack you, I'm just trying to show you my point of view.
I tried soooo hard to be happy for you when you told me you were getting married. For the longest time I thought that all the fighting and arguing was just a way out for him to not marry you because really it doesnt take 10 years to get over an ex. Like come on. But eventually things started to get really bad especially when you weren't around.
It didn't matter what I said or did, because you never believed me! Or Gerry would always change or twist the story around to make him seem like the more innocent one. Even after whenhe started coming around again when we moved to casselman. ( well I guess he was always coming around right? )
But that time when I came home with natasha and I saw him sitting on the couch after you promised he wouldn't be around anymore, and I asked what he was doing here and as you were explaining I glanced at him and he winked at me, knowing that no matter what there was no getting rid of him. And after I got upset you said he'd never do a thing like that, even though Natasha saw him do it too.
Or just like when he walked by me and called me a bitch ( even Jordan heard it) but yet again you said he would never say that, But then this time you actually asked him if he said anything and he said he called me an idiot. Again he lied to you, to make him seem at least a little innocent and you took his side. Even when 2 people told you.
That just did it for me. To not believe a complete stranger is one thing but then not believe your own child, well that just wrong.
these weren't the only times this happened. But I have learned to just accept that you'll never trust me. when really it should be the opposite way !
When something went missing, Gerry was never the one that could have taken it, even when I swore on my life it was't me! but where did my gifts from Dean go.
You always fought for what was morally right in your eyes. ( with dad, Serge, abuse even as a child) But then when Gerry came along and gave you that little sense of thought and feeling that you didnt have to fight alone, you gave up.
You gave up on Jesse and I, on yourself, and everything you ever lived and fought for.
Maybe for once in your life you got someone else to do the fighting for you. That sense of relief finally consumed. but really mom the key is to never give up and to always keep fighting, I learned that the hard way but i also learned that from you. I suppose thats another thing you showed me NOT to do.
I would never have imagined that you'd be the one to give up !!!
But now that I'm gone you have been trying to fight your way back into my life. Though you never really left, because every time i look into the mirror i see you. And it kills me to think that everything we've been through and accomplished has been destroyed and shattered by one selfish, ignorant, manipulating, what is supposed to be called a man.
I'm not just saying all this to hurt you ( cause thats the last thing I would want to do cause thats what happened to me and believe me it is the worst feeling i the world and still is ! I was so sick of listening to you two argue every night, the having to comfort you and defend you.
I was si sick of having to lie to you for Gerry for all the wrongs that he had committed and being manipulated into thinking that you were just unreasonable !!
every time you thought you were alone crying at night, I was up crying with you, until I finally heard you fall asleep.
Now do you understand why it ws impossible for me to get up in the mornings?
I can't stand Gerry for multiple reasons, not because I didnt approve of his rules, those were just bonuses.
And then when we left i was so happy for you and for me too. I was happy that finally you could be with someone that appreciates you for you and someone that wouldnt have to argue with every night. Someone you could go to bed with happy instead of upset and angry.
( weren't you the one that always told me never go to bed upset ? )
or was that just another lie ?
It seemed like instead of actually bragging about Gerry you were always defending him. As if you were actually afraid of admitting everyone was right about him.
SO NOW WHY I HAD ENOUGH
I was tired of always being manipulated into " his way of how things should be done." There was never any room left for us! and I just couldn"t live with that, or maybe because just wasn't blind to see that our lives were being taken over. My life is my life and you always told me to run my life how I wanted and not how some man wanted it.
I was so sick of crying myself to sleep every night and knowing that every morning, we'd grow apart a little more at a time. So when you were telling me about all these new men you were seing i was ecstatic but at the same time very scared, I didnt want our old demons to come back and haunt us. But it did !
All I ever wanted was a "Happy family " I guess happiness is just an illusion of fate, a heavenly sleight of hjand designed to make us believe in fairy tales, But I suppose there aren't any happily ever afters. And happy endings are only found in story books.
Our relatinship got worst, we both got angrier.
Nothing that I ever did seemed good enough, it was all about Gerry. you never once believed me about anything.
Till this day you keep apologizing for hurting me but you don't even know the real reason why your apologizing?
you can't see the truth, that's killing me inside, tHE PAIN ANS SUFFERING HE BROUGHT.
SO HOW I FEEL
I cry pretty much every night, because not being able to say good night and I love you every night before I go to bed, and waking up in the morning alone and not being able to see you, hurts even more then when I found out you tried to commit suicide because now it seems like you basically have. I feel hurt, destroyed, depressed from being torn apart from one of the people that means the most to me in this world. How could I ever trust or let someone in?
How could I ever love someone or let someone love me without being afraid that they will abandon me. Such as a complete stranger, that could potentially be more in the future, when my own family member couldn't uphold their role to never abandon our agreement to never lie or break the trust????
My friends can tell something is off and when they ask I say "people come and go " But it sucks to say when your talking about a family member, I have been trying to live by my middle name Because I can only HOPE that one day we can finally be a family again but until then i have to accept that nothing will ever be the same again, when you were a part of my world !!
I know this was a very long letter but this is the first time that I have read it through all the way, everytime i tried my heart crushed and I felt my very own existence fall away, to have so blatenly cause this much pain to the one person who vowed to protect from the very first moment i lay my eyes on her, I swore to her the day she was born that I would never let anyone hurt her for as long as I was around, and in the end I am the one who had betrayed her, and this is one thing I can never, ever forgive myself for, because i dont deserve her forgiveness. Please let me know what you think, I haven't been able to put into words a respons for my daughter concerning this letter and that makes the betrayal even worst, now she must think that I've completely ignored how she feels.