Every reason I ever had to hate humankind has been reinforced. So called "family" steals $160 from me on a vacation that they got to go on for free. They didn't have to pay for anything at all, but they decided that wasn't enough. Then I come home and find out someone stole my 3 yr old sons tricycle. What the fuck is wrong with people? Why can't I catch a god damn break? Why is every one pushing me to smile and be happy when this is what I get in return for trying to put on a happy face? I can't take it out on them because then they'll hang it over my head. They'll make jokes about how I am crazy,or they'll stay ignorant to the fact that I don't think the way they do and I can't function the way they can so I can't just get over everything. I can't take it out on myself because then they'll shame me for it. I will have to hear speeches about how I don't need to cut myself, that i should just stop it, that it really isn't that bad. that I am being dramatic. They think that I am paranoid and I'm crazy and maybe I am, but when your family steals from you, when your parents abandon you, when the people you love lie to you and use you, when you don't have a single person you can trust because they have all stabbed you in the back what else could i be other than paranoid? Of course I don't trust anyone they've proven over and over that they aren't trustworthy, of course I can't smile and laugh with you, I don't like you on even a basic human level. Why shouldn't I be depressed and anxious and angry standoffish and untrusting and cold? Why do I have to pretend? It doesn't make my life any easier to pretend it only makes it easier for everyone else around me, it makes it comfortable for them so they can pretend my "issues" don't exist. If I frown everyone will be able to tell SOMETHING is wrong, their perfect world isn't what it seems to be, people will want to know why I am always quiet and why I don't smile, why I won't leave the house, why I won't answer the phone when they call. Then someones will have to explain that I don't feel good or I'm just moody or I'm having a moment. The truth is I am fed up, I am exhausted. I don't ever remember really being happy, or not being anxious. I don't remember ever not living in fear in one way or another. I don't want to be held prisoner by my own thoughts anymore. Why can't I find any happiness? Doesn't everyone deserve to be free?