So I had an incredibly epic weekend. As an early birthday present I decided to get my brother and I Starscape VIP tickets and make a rager of it. I love that scene, and have recessed from it over the years due to finances and various other bullshit excuses I could come up with at the time for no real reason. I went into it kinda apprehensive, but theres something about being surrounded by a sea of sexy candy kid girls and endorphin enhanced people who are there simply to rage and rage hard. Not to mention that this seas tide is composed by heavy bass riffs and immessurable energy, all in all it was incredibly intense and utterly carefree other than the hordes of police there, but I doubt they ever relax anyway. Top it off with the fact that it was a 18 hour event and I spent at least a solid 14 of it on the dance floors meeting people whos names I will never remember and grinding with anything tasty that would lock eyes with me, and I can easily say it was the most fun Ive had in years.

The icing on the cake is that I ran into several groups of people that I havent seen in years, from my cohorts in drug court to kids I havent seen since high school and surprisingly enough I was able to muster up enough convo skills to keep their company off and on through the night, I feel it was an utter success on my part in climbing out of the abyss.

And it was here that I had a sudden epiphany. Ive always known what the problem is, but its the details of how to tackle it that kill me. Most of my problems consist of the fact that I am in love with the idea of independence. I want to not NEED anything, and for the most part Ive accomplished that. Problem is that most relationships base and build on trust and sharing, and being that I focus on self, I dont have much to offer except to help with things that noone will ever ask of me because I dont volunteer any information about myself. The unfortunate truth is that unlike myself most people instantly distrust people before they ever give them a reason. And this is not even really a bad thing when you think about it, the only thing that bothers me is the veneer of ice that it causes, and the fact that ice is much easier melted by warmth than broken by impression. This is where I frequently fail.

I know why it seems that Im such poor company, and I cant really blame people for their assumptions about me. The role of the broken man is sad and if nothing else utterly boring, and unfortunately its all I know. Communication was never really my strong point and its been deterring more and more the older I get…its kind of like math, you lose it or lose it, and by the way I hate math too. I think that alot of the problem is that I dont really feel much connection with anything because I dont assign any value to it. I know its a shitty attitude, but like I said, its all I know.

This leads me to anothe conclusion too. Its incredibly difficult to find any drive for anything or anyone when there is no real desire present. How do you approach something like that? How do you begin or continue pursuing something if you never really want to catch it. And even worse when you know you need to catch it…its confusing. How did it go from being something you naturally enjoy to becoming such a taxing task?

Part of me wants to say F it, and employ the whole fake it till you make it tactic. Problem is I have always prided myself with my own code of honor that simply will not permit this. The few people who do continue to try to prod my sorry ass all say the same thing, that they recognize this rare form of honor and its an amazing quality, how could I turn on them and myself by weilding false intentions and false smiles…then again dont they say every lie is at least 10% truth? Maybe it will get more truthful as I go along. I dont know.

In either case if you scrolled through this thanks for taking the time to validate my rant. If you have any insight please share it, I know this is kind of one of those things that conviction cures all, but I feel like Im approaching it like an idiot. Kinda like one of those kids who freaks out when teachers asked them opinion questions on tests.

Until next time Kiddos